A few weeks ago, I went to church for our believers' service on a Wednesday night. God was doing some really big things that night, but I just wanted Him to heal my baby. I went to the front of the church and asked a woman that I didn't know, but to whom I felt drawn, to pray for me and for my baby. As she prayed, she began to prophesy that this baby would show the Glory of God.
I heard that, and I began to believe and accept that our baby would survive and that we would have our fourth child here on earth in our arms in just a few months. I believed that God would perform a miracle, and I knew that He could show Himself to be the "good, good Father" that I sang about that night with tears streaming down my cheeks.
Unfortunately, we did not get our miracle in the way we had hoped.
Only a few days later, I had another ultrasound that again showed no growth of the gestational sac, no embryo, no yolk sac. That was the day that I really began to understand that our baby was already in heaven with Jesus and his/her two siblings, Angel and Gabriel.
And my heart broke into a million pieces.
We had a terrible storm that afternoon... as if God were crying with me. There was lots of rain and thunder and lightning.
My husband had plans to go out that night with some men from our church. And so he helped me get the kids to bed early so I could have some time to myself that night. And when I got alone, I prayed and cried out to God: "How could any glory possibly come from this?!?"
I was kind of stuck. I just kept crying and asking God the same thing over and over. He had promised that He would show his glory with this baby, but how could He since the baby was gone?
As I was crying and praying, I noticed that there was a bright yellow light showing through the windows, and I walked outside to see what was making that beautiful light.
What I saw was the most beautiful sunset. It was yellow and brown with the grey storm clouds breaking up and making the most gorgeous colors. And as I stood outside still asking God how he could bring glory out of the death of my child, I realized... God was showing me how he could show His glory through the aftermath of a terrible storm.
And he can bring glory from the loss of this life that He had created in my body, and whom God chose not to heal.
So I grabbed my phone and snapped some photos for my hubby:
And as I was pulling the pictures up to text to him, I saw it.
I saw the cross in the clouds, and I knew that this was no coincident, and God was really communicating with me through the beauty in the sky.
And then I felt peace ......I still also felt hurt and disappointment and anger, but that moment, I was overwhelmed by peace that God will somehow show His Glory. I have no idea how or when, but that is up to God after all.
And in the meantime, I am mourning, and I am sad, and I don't understand God's plan.
A few days after the beautiful sunset, I started spotting. And 8 days of spotting later, I developed a low-grade fever. After another ultrasound I decided with my doctor to have a D&C to prevent an infection.
So on June 30, 2015, I said a final goodbye to our baby, even though I know he/she was already in heaven.
We decided to name our baby Glory. And so Glory went to be with our Lord in heaven, and we will see him/her again when we meet there at the end of our lives on earth.
"Glory to God in the highest, and peace on earth to people who enjoy his favor!" - Luke 2:14 (ISV)