tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21015999535287003732024-03-14T00:19:00.409-05:00From 2 to 8This is the story of my family as we journey through infertility, pregnancy loss, Adoption and parenthood as we grow from a family of 2 to a family of 8.Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12991387916326586067noreply@blogger.comBlogger49125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2101599953528700373.post-13363713830621134402015-07-01T21:05:00.001-05:002015-07-01T21:05:42.452-05:00Glory to GodIn my last post, I talked about the challenging pregnancy we were having. Our 6th pregnancy was not going as expected, and we had been told that it would not end well. The official diagnosis was a blighted ovum, which means that the baby was conceived but passed away only a week or two after conception. We were praying for a miracle and just hoping that God would create life where the doctors said there was none.<br />
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A few weeks ago, I went to church for our believers' service on a Wednesday night. God was doing some really big things that night, but I just wanted Him to heal my baby. I went to the front of the church and asked a woman that I didn't know, but to whom I felt drawn, to pray for me and for my baby. As she prayed, she began to prophesy that this baby would show the Glory of God.<br />
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I heard that, and I began to believe and accept that our baby would survive and that we would have our fourth child here on earth in our arms in just a few months. I believed that God would perform a miracle, and I knew that He could show Himself to be the "good, good Father" that I sang about that night with tears streaming down my cheeks.<br />
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Unfortunately, we did not get our miracle in the way we had hoped.<br />
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Only a few days later, I had another ultrasound that again showed no growth of the gestational sac, no embryo, no yolk sac. That was the day that I really began to understand that our baby was already in heaven with Jesus and his/her two siblings, Angel and Gabriel.<br />
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<b>And my heart broke into a million pieces. </b><br />
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We had a terrible storm that afternoon... as if God were crying with me. There was lots of rain and thunder and lightning.<br />
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My husband had plans to go out that night with some men from our church. And so he helped me get the kids to bed early so I could have some time to myself that night. And when I got alone, I prayed and cried out to God: "How could any glory possibly come from this?!?"<br />
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I was kind of stuck. I just kept crying and asking God the same thing over and over. He had promised that He would show his glory with this baby, but how could He since the baby was gone?<br />
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As I was crying and praying, I noticed that there was a bright yellow light showing through the windows, and I walked outside to see what was making that beautiful light.<br />
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What I saw was the most beautiful sunset. It was yellow and brown with the grey storm clouds breaking up and making the most gorgeous colors. And as I stood outside still asking God how he could bring glory out of the death of my child, I realized... God was showing me how he could show His glory through the aftermath of a terrible storm.<br />
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And he can bring glory from the loss of this life that He had created in my body, and whom God chose not to heal.<br />
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So I grabbed my phone and snapped some photos for my hubby:<br />
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And as I was pulling the pictures up to text to him, I saw it.<br />
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I saw the cross in the clouds, and I knew that this was no coincident, and God was really communicating with me through the beauty in the sky.<br />
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And then I felt peace ......I still also felt hurt and disappointment and anger, but that moment, I was overwhelmed by peace that God will somehow show His Glory. I have no idea how or when, but that is up to God after all.<br />
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And in the meantime, I am mourning, and I am sad, and I don't understand God's plan.<br />
<br />
.......<br />
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A few days after the beautiful sunset, I started spotting. And 8 days of spotting later, I developed a low-grade fever. After another ultrasound I decided with my doctor to have a D&C to prevent an infection.<br />
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So on June 30, 2015, I said a final goodbye to our baby, even though I know he/she was already in heaven.<br />
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We decided to name our baby Glory. And so Glory went to be with our Lord in heaven, and we will see him/her again when we meet there at the end of our lives on earth.<br />
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<span style="background-color: #fdfeff; color: #001320; font-family: Trebuchet, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; text-align: justify;">"Glory to God in the highest, and peace on earth to people who enjoy his favor!" - Luke 2:14 (ISV)</span><br />
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<br />Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12991387916326586067noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2101599953528700373.post-70350049303013739652015-06-21T09:33:00.000-05:002015-06-21T09:33:37.398-05:00Joy and MourningTuesday morning, May 19, I woke up and remembered that I had bought some pregnancy tests a few days before. Why? Because I just felt like my body was changing shape ...and quite honestly, I take a lot of pregnancy tests. The only time I don't keep Dollar Tree tests on hand is when I am pregnant. I know, it's silly, but I believe God has healed me, and so I believe it is always possible.<br />
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But on that Tuesday, I felt like it was possible because I had only stopped nursing Maggie about 6 weeks before, and I was just ready for another baby. Did I really think I was pregnant? No ...not really. But I still remembered to grab a test before I went to the bathroom at 0- dark-30 while hubby was getting ready for work. And I took the test.... But ...I was just. so. tired! So without a word, I plopped the test on the counter without a word in front of hubby as if to say, "Check this when you get out of the shower because I will be sleeping..." and I went back to sleep.<br />
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So when I woke up to Maggie talking to me instead of Stan waking me to show me a pregnancy test, I just assumed it must have been negative. I got Maggie dressed and went back into the bathroom to get myself ready for the day. And much to my surprise, there was a "+" on the pregnancy test.<br />
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A "+" ...what?<br />
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So my rational side thought, "Surely it's a drying line. I took that thing more that 45 minutes ago. And that is SUCH a faint line." So I called Stan, who confirmed that he saw it too, within a few minutes of me taking it! Still, I didn't let myself get excited.<br />
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I went about my day, got my kids dressed, took Naomi to gymnastics, lunch together in the car, and grabbed a couple of extra pregnancy tests along the way. I bought a digital and a name brand just to keep it all legit and trustworthy. We landed that afternoon at Abigail's OT appointment, where I took the two tests as soon as Abi went back for her appointment.<br />
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Turns out, that first test was actually correct!<br />
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And so began pregnancy 6. Joyfully and with life!<br />
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---------------------------------------------------<br />
<br />
Because I have had an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy, my doctors are always careful to check my HCG and progesterone levels early in pregnancy. My first two labs were good, but indicated I was very early in my pregnancy. So we did one more test, a week later. There was no reason to be concerned, and I almost forgot go have that last lab done. I was just not worried. So when they didn't call me with results, I just assumed all was well.<br />
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The following Monday, 5/25, was a holiday, and I started having some pretty intense pains on the same side I had the ectopic on. When I called the on-call doctor, they directed me to the ER, where I learned that the 3rd lab was not good and indicated a drop in progesterone and a slow increase in my HCG, which usually indicates that the pregnancy may be in trouble.<br />
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They did an ultrasound, which showed a very small gestational sac, and ran labs, which actually showed a good increase in HCG. So the ER sent be back home to follow up with my OB. She scheduled another ultrasound and round of labs for the following Monday with my first appointment to follow on Tuesday. What followed was a series of weekly ultrasounds that ALL showed a sac that was about the right size for a 6 week pregnancy but with nothing inside the sac. Very little growth. No yolk sac. No embryo.<br />
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You know how you can tell that things are not going well during an ultrasound? When they finish without giving you any printed pictures. I guess they assume no one wants to remember a baby they may never give birth to.<br />
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Who would want to see a picture of emptiness, a picture of death?<br />
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I will tell you who ...me. I know there WAS life in my womb. I know there WAS a baby conceived.<br />
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And so now, as I am supposed to be 10 weeks pregnant, I am here, waiting. Waiting for God to work a miracle. Waiting for my womb to cleanse itself. Waiting for something. I don't know which to expect, and I don't know what to feel.<br />
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Did I mention that I already look 6 months pregnant? That is totally not helping. My body is just continuing on as if everything is fine with this pregnancy. It's like a cruel joke.<br />
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How do I answer the question: "How far along are you now?"<br />
or: "When is your due date?"<br />
then: "What do you mean you don't know? How do you not know when the baby is due?"<br />
and: "You ARE pregnant right?"<br />
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My answers have been: "I just don't know." "We have no idea." "It's really complicated."<br />
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If I took a pregnancy test right now, it would be positive. So I guess I am still pregnant.<br />
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My OB offered a D&C if I felt like I needed it, but I declined. Part of me is still hoping they're wrong and the baby is fine. And the other part of me just wants to do this naturally if the baby is indeed already in heaven.<br />
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The story of Lazarus tells me it is ok to mourn even if there is going to be a miracle. Jesus himself wept, knowing he would perform a miracle and raise Lazarus from the dead. So I guess I am mourning, and at the same time hoping for a miracle.Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12991387916326586067noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2101599953528700373.post-77488059827217065572015-04-07T14:48:00.001-05:002015-04-07T14:48:22.323-05:00From 4 to 5 ...and Other Developments2 Years<br />
<br />
It's been 2 years since I have posted here.<br />
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A lot has happened.<br />
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First, let me explain why it has been so long...<br />
In the last few posts, we made the announcement that we would be adopting from Africa. The same week that we got our approved home study, we also received the news that we were pregnant with our 5th pregnancy ...and we also started to notice some very challenging behavior from our then 3-year-old. We made the decision to slow down the adoption process while we were pregnant and trying to rule out any major issues with our oldest.<br />
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I can't believe that was 2 years ago ...and wow...it has been a very full 2 years.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKrPMKxNNzeLIZEXRgagQanhb2Ta6pNuAKTo9p5Yxtr1wfWLtTGwGeo75nvpNlFjS8HULfB30YtenUDrkbv2ecAgkQh7i2Dv6dxQlMDjhjhRHBDNuQi9_1ds3_0ZUq0oe7dUD8GWLLlvkq/s1600/960085_10151900085164370_2097451651_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKrPMKxNNzeLIZEXRgagQanhb2Ta6pNuAKTo9p5Yxtr1wfWLtTGwGeo75nvpNlFjS8HULfB30YtenUDrkbv2ecAgkQh7i2Dv6dxQlMDjhjhRHBDNuQi9_1ds3_0ZUq0oe7dUD8GWLLlvkq/s1600/960085_10151900085164370_2097451651_n.jpg" height="150" title="Huge Pregnant belly #messyhouse" width="200" /></a>First, let's talk about the joyful addition :) Maggie is a delight! I had a very smooth pregnancy with her, and she was born on December 20, 2013, just 2 days before her due date :) We had been praying for a full-term pregnancy and that I would go into labor on my own. I was a couple of centimeters dilated for the last two months of pregnancy, and well ... I was also HUGE!!!! #hugebellymessyhouse<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEij8var9X2-WtDUy7cF0lt9HI4M_0IePFrMUNAD1C0pMBFdpVYLsDlNS74PA8_0VAwDaD4QeC1UiJppzWeYW9BBb-leNooBj0oIK-cJgT7FSfekBZD4dxJsNaoBIrJZ8Grx9FI0dAa76J-l/s1600/1501820_10152079641524025_1778729634_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEij8var9X2-WtDUy7cF0lt9HI4M_0IePFrMUNAD1C0pMBFdpVYLsDlNS74PA8_0VAwDaD4QeC1UiJppzWeYW9BBb-leNooBj0oIK-cJgT7FSfekBZD4dxJsNaoBIrJZ8Grx9FI0dAa76J-l/s1600/1501820_10152079641524025_1778729634_n.jpg" height="180" width="320" /></a>On the day we welcomed Maggie to the world, my water broke at 12:19 AM. I rushed Stan out to the car because my contractions were only a couple of minutes apart and very intense. We checked into the hospital at 1:05AM, and she was out at 1:29AM, only seconds after the doctor walked in. It was incredible! And horribly painful ...and I am pretty sure I yelled at every human being in the maternity ward before she came out and then sweetly apologized after she came out. The doctor's first words about her were, "Wow! She's a chunky baby." 8lb 13 oz chunky! But she was perfect :) She was pretty intense, but a good baby.<br />
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She had some pretty significant growth issues from the start and lost about a pound before we left the hospital. She landed back in the hospital at 8 weeks for failure to thrive (like her sisters) at 8 weeks. She had some abnormal liver enzymes, but we only stayed in the hospital for a few days, and her issues self-resolved after a couple of months.<br />
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Maggie started walking at the ripe old age of 9 months (Lord help us!), and she was my heaviest 1 year old, weighing in at 20 lb at her 1 year check up.<br />
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Now, onto our other developments ...<br />
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Abigail, our now 5-year-old, has been in Occupational therapy and speech now for about 9 months for some developmental delays. While she is the smartest kid I have ever met, some of her physical and social development has not been ideal. Her behavior is also a pretty difficult challenge, as behavior tends to be with gifted kids. I have now been to 2 neurologists, a psychologist, and her pediatrician several times to determine what is going on with our sweet little girl. We have some answers, but we are seeking a 3rd opinion before declaring those answers accurate. That 3rd opinion will come from the best developmental pediatrician in our area ...who has a 12 month waiting list for an appointment.<br />
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Life has been filled with major adjustments over the past 2 years during this discovery process of the special needs we have in our family. We are quite honestly lost in a muddle of opinions and ideas about what should and shouldn't be done. And my husband and I are not sure what to do next. So those of you who pray, please remember us! :)<br />
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Another very bright spot has made it's way into our life this year! Last April, I started a Mary Kay business, and I have fallen in love with the company and what I do. I get to sit knee to knee with women and get to know them and teach them about skin care and also get to know them as real as real can be! It makes my heart happy to get a chance to make another woman feel special and to help enrich her life. And my business is going well! Very well! I am 1 month into the qualification process for my first free car!!! A Red Chevy Cruze! This has been such a positive, confidence-building experience in my life this year, and I can't believe I have the ability to do what I do.<br />
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<br />Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12991387916326586067noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2101599953528700373.post-26681583486434333582013-05-10T19:19:00.000-05:002013-05-10T19:19:15.039-05:00Support on Mother's Day for Moms-Yet-to-Conceive and Moms Who Have Lost Children<span style="background-color: #eeeeee; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When I was diagnosed with multiple fertility issues at the age of 27, before I even met my husband, I was devastated. For the next several years, especially while we were actively trying to conceive and after we lost our first pregnancy, I dreaded Mother's Day. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The whole day seemed like one big reminder of how I wasn't yet a mom. When a pastor at church asked all of the Moms to stand, I was ashamed to be in my late 20s and 20s and still sitting with all of the teenagers and men. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Then, after we lost our first, I started standing anyway because I WAS a mom. My baby was just in heaven. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So for those dealing with with complete infertility and those who support them, here is blurb from a website called<a href="http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html"> RESOLVE The National Infertility Association</a>: </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">"<span style="line-height: 18px;">With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #eeeeee; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them."</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #eeeeee; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For those trying to conceive and those supporting them, go buy yourself something special! Trying to conceive is easy for some, and definitely not so easy for others. When you are in the middle of it, though, it is emotionally and sometimes physically exhausting. <u>You deserve something special!</u></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #eeeeee; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And women who have lost a child whether before or after birth or adoption, we mourn with you. We recognize that you are a mother, and you truly deserve to be honored. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #eeeeee; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For those who support these special women, here are some tips:</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #eeeeee; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: transparent; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; border: 0px; font-size: 14px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;">Recognize their motherhood: </span></b><span style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;">Offer a hug and a "Happy Mother's Day". Send a card to let them know you remember they are a mother even though their child is not with them physically.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #eeeeee; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: transparent; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; border: 0px; font-size: 14px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;">Acknowledge they have had a loss:</span></b><span style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;"> Express the message, "I know this might be a difficult day for you. I want you to know that I am thinking about you.”</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #eeeeee; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: transparent; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; border: 0px; font-size: 14px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;">If their child was named, use their child's name in conversation.</span></b></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #eeeeee; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: transparent; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; border: 0px; font-size: 14px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;">Plant a living memorial</span></b><span style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;">: A tree or rose bush, like memories, will grow in beauty as the years pass.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #eeeeee; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: transparent; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; border: 0px; font-size: 14px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;">Visit the grave site if there is one: </span></b><span style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;">Many mothers felt that it was "extremely thoughtful" when others visited their child's grave site and left flowers or a small pebble near the headstone.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #eeeeee; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: transparent; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; border: 0px; font-size: 14px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;">Share a memory or pictures of the child: </span></b><span style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;">Give the<b style="background-color: transparent; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; border: 0px; font-size: 13px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;"> </b>gift of a memory<b style="background-color: transparent; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; border: 0px; font-size: 13px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;">.</b> </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #eeeeee; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: transparent; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; border: 0px; font-size: 14px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;">Send a gift of remembrance: </span></b><span style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;">Many mothers felt a small gift would be comforting. Suggestions included: an angel statue, jewelry, a picture frame, a library book or toy donation in the child’s name or anything personalized.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #eeeeee; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="background-color: transparent; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; border: 0px; font-size: 14px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;">Don't try to minimize the loss: </span></b><span style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;">Avoid using any clichés that attempt to explain the loss of a child. ("God needed another angel.") Secondly, don't try to find anything positive about the loss ("You still<b style="background-color: transparent; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; border: 0px; font-size: 13px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;"> </b>have two healthy children").</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #eeeeee; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;"><span style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;">Encourage Self-Care: </span></b><span style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;">Encourage a grieving mother to take care of herself. <u>Give her a gift certificate to a day spa</u> or any pl</span><span style="border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px;">ace where she can be pampered</span></span></div>
Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12991387916326586067noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2101599953528700373.post-6052599079575552282013-04-30T17:18:00.000-05:002013-04-30T17:18:26.961-05:00MiraclesSometimes God does something very cool in our lives that we weren't expecting.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUK2dP120putZPapwDvZ4BEycCzQ0QYpo43yB_YoYFuE2Uw2yAuh-NQjKVoiRgB0GZvr4WzqBeb8jjFlFKFC_b0Vxalf7cF4PmmFsEsaz7L5o6pnvvNHN8Cd_l5Wxno0ckR53yTZEZZRAC/s1600/488208_10151131787864025_40847702_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUK2dP120putZPapwDvZ4BEycCzQ0QYpo43yB_YoYFuE2Uw2yAuh-NQjKVoiRgB0GZvr4WzqBeb8jjFlFKFC_b0Vxalf7cF4PmmFsEsaz7L5o6pnvvNHN8Cd_l5Wxno0ckR53yTZEZZRAC/s320/488208_10151131787864025_40847702_n.jpg" width="320" /></a>For those of you who are new to our story, I will give you a brief synopsis: Before I met Stan, I was given some diagnoses that meant that I was infertile. My doctor at the time said that I could never have children on my own, even with a fertility specialist's help. Stan and I decided to try and pray for a miracle. After 3.5 years of disappointment every month, and using fertility medicine, we got pregnant. Now, in the past 4 years, I have been pregnant 4 times, all with help from fertility medicine, I have had 3 surgeries on my uterus and fallopian tubes, and we have given birth to two little girls. Our infertility and pregnancy losses were the most difficult thing I have dealt with in my life, and my two little miracles are a constant reminder of God's faithfulness and love for me.<br />
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OK! So now that we are all caught up ...<br />
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A few weeks ago, I announced that Stan and I will be adopting internationally! We are so excited about this endeavor, and we believe that it is a God-inspired effort. Part of the decision to adopt has been based on my desire to stop focusing energy on fertility medicine for now while still growing our family.<br />
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Well, here is where things get interesting!<br />
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A few days after I made that announcement, I noticed that I had a low back ache and that I was a few days late for my cycle. This is all fairly normal for me, but I picked up a pregnancy test anyway. I was pretty sure I wasn't pregnant, considering our fertility challenges, so taking the test was not a priority at all. I finally got around to taking it on a Monday morning a couple of weeks ago before the girls woke up. I took it, went back to sleep, and woke up to a crying baby and a 3-year-old<br />
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who needed to go potty NOW.<br />
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When I finally got around to checking it, there was a very thin, faint line where the test line would be if I were pregnant. Of course, this was about 15-30 minutes after I took the test, and it was a Dollar Tree test, AND it was not even possible that I was pregnant considering I don't ovulate and I was nursing an 11-month-old. SO I mentioned it to Stan, and went about my day of running Abigail to gymnastics and going to the grocery store. But I did pick up an EPT from the store while I was there.<br />
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To my shock and surprise, the 2nd, 3rd ....and yes 4th test were all positive as well.<br />
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SO yes! Me, a woman who was once told I would never be able to get pregnant, is now pregnant for the 5th time in 4 years. And this time, no fertility doctor can take pride in helping me. And God did this as a total miracle in the most unlikely time. AND WE ARE ELATED!!!<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwPGNN7pbSD3LAklxEF9JwtX-t4BY1-MQAdS0kW2iFzb3v4Liz_owftLMl0gCt5s_QGQWKmB52h_YuC3i6MusFDkyqtOHFdGZIQaocgW-jV7gusp5qMCn_NhtvWllh_y8LHQhyYhGaUZOM/s1600/baby5week6.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="254" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwPGNN7pbSD3LAklxEF9JwtX-t4BY1-MQAdS0kW2iFzb3v4Liz_owftLMl0gCt5s_QGQWKmB52h_YuC3i6MusFDkyqtOHFdGZIQaocgW-jV7gusp5qMCn_NhtvWllh_y8LHQhyYhGaUZOM/s320/baby5week6.jpg" width="320" /></a>Details: We are 6 weeks pregnant, with a due date of December 22. Our baby has a very strong heartbeat. YES, we want a boy, but we will be pleased with any baby God has decided to bless us with :) I am still considered high risk for this pregnancy because 1. I am now of "advanced maternal age", and 2. we had preterm labor with both of our girls. However, we won't have to go to see the high risk doctor nearly as many times because our last pregnancy was pretty uneventful in comparison to our previous 3.<br />
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Please keep us and our pregnancy in prayer!<br />
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As for the adoption, we are still pursuing adoption, but we are praying for God's perfect timing. More to come on this ...when we know!<br />
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More than anything, this miraculous pregnancy has filled me with a realization that God is giving me another beautiful gift, and the method by which he is giving me this one is simply amazing :)<br />
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<br />Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12991387916326586067noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2101599953528700373.post-15713461185877652622013-04-07T19:09:00.000-05:002013-04-07T19:09:42.616-05:00Adopting from Africa<br />
So for those of you who have been wondering what we have been up to, here it is:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLWnOGzOkhLUV-YiAi2HrZBno3oNIInYyjtVthpSjvVFjIi5KsE3EKWCcn1pYJc3A_ETo6gWIsXOIXTBwsliZr1CmV2z1ejDNeLTovHIW7eU_xEr1wiDNdoaa-zkm5MwyitAF7mcwCntY_/s1600/Africa.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLWnOGzOkhLUV-YiAi2HrZBno3oNIInYyjtVthpSjvVFjIi5KsE3EKWCcn1pYJc3A_ETo6gWIsXOIXTBwsliZr1CmV2z1ejDNeLTovHIW7eU_xEr1wiDNdoaa-zkm5MwyitAF7mcwCntY_/s320/Africa.jpg" width="287" /></a><span style="font-size: x-large;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">We are adopting from </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;">AFRICA!!!</span></div>
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I was reluctant to announce this until we were sure it was going to happen. So I have been holding back since November when we started this process!!<br />
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Adoption is something I have always felt called to, and so when Stan decided he was ready to adopt, we got started! We have been praying, researching and preparing for this since November of last year. We have chosen a country and an adoption agency, and we are almost finished with our Home Study. We will be adopting 1 or 2 children under the age of 3.<br />
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I am outlining some FAQs that we are anticipating:<br />
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Q: Why adopt now instead of fertility treatments again?<br />
A: Right now, we feel like adoption is the right path for our family. We may pursue pregnancy again in the future, and we may use fertility methods to achieve pregnancy. But right now, we are adopting.<br />
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Q: When will your child or children be coming home?<br />
A: Long story short, it may be about 12 months until we travel and bring our kids home! I am going to post the timeline as a separate blog.<br />
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Q: Why international adoption? Why Africa? Why not adopt from the U.S?<br />
A: The country from which we have decided to adopt from has a mortality rate of almost 17% for children younger than 5, which means 1 in 5 or 6 children die before they reach 5 years of age. There are also approximately 5 million orphans in the country, which is equivalent to the entire population of Scotland!<br />
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Q: What does Abigail think of this? How are you helping prepare her and Naomi for more siblings?<br />
A: Abigail is very excited about having more siblings! We have shown her several videos of other families bringing home children from Africa and she has asked me when I can go get her a brother or sister. Naomi is young enough still that she will never remember life without her new siblings.<br />
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Q: Wouldn’t it be better for the kids to be adopted by people in their own country?<br />
A: There will likely always be more kids in need of a forever family than there are families, all over the world. It would be fabulous if more people in the local African community had the means and ability to adopt. Until there is less war and conflict, more access to clean water, more education and development, the situation in the country we are adopting from will not improve significantly enough to help the orphans and really change their lives or give them a forever family.<br />
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There are no unwanted children, there are just unfound families.<br />
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Q: Doesn't adopting internationally cost a lot of money?<br />
A: YES!!! <br />
This adoption will cost approximately $35,000-47,500 depending on the number of children and the length of the time it takes to get these children home with us.<br />
Here is the approximate fee breakdown:<br />
Agency fees: $6500<br />
Home Study and Post Placement Visits: $3300<br />
US Immigration: $1200<br />
Travel and Translations: $8000<br />
Country fees: $16000<br />
2nd Child's fees: $12500<br />
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Q:Where will the money come from?<br />
A: We are trusting God to help us come up with the money for this adoption!!! We have a little bit saved up, and we will be doing some fundraising, and applying for some grants.<br />
I will be posting more about fund raisers and such on my Facebook page and here.<br />
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Q: Why aren't you telling us what country you are adopting from?<br />
A: Since this blog is public, we will be keeping some of the details about our adoption private in order to protect our adoption from any one out there who has a negative opinion of international adoption. We don't want anyone to twist any of the information about our adoption into something it is not. We will also not be posting any full photos of our children that would allow them to be identified. We will be happy to share photos with close friends or family.<br />
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Lastly, if you have any questions, please feel free to email me: kyrnapuc@gmail.com<br />
Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12991387916326586067noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2101599953528700373.post-62862385236048568562012-10-24T14:35:00.005-05:002012-10-24T14:35:58.407-05:00How NOT to be the Perfect Mom<div>
A few weeks ago, I started looking comparing each area of my life to other mommies. And guess, what I found? I found that I was failing at everything! My house was a mess. My 2-year-old was disobedient and still throwing wild temper tantrums in public. I wasn't cooking every night, and I wasn't being as loving a wife as my husband needs. I was falling down in my responsibilities as a volunteer leader in MOPS, and I wasn't blogging as regularly as I wanted to. And most importantly, I wasn't spending as much time with God as I should be.</div>
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Of course, after realizing how much of a failure I was, I started really getting down. With so many people who are desperately trying to have a baby, why did God trust me with children when I was just letting everyone down, especially myself. I was so low, and I really didn't know how to recover. I started thinking about my "Super-mom" friends who seemed to have it all together, and I wondered why they were so capable of doing what I was incapable of doing.</div>
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Fortunately though, God reminded me of His grace by sending me the right messages through friends, speakers, articles, and Bible study. </div>
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Here's the thing I realized: my friends aren't perfect either. No one is perfect! And it is especially difficult to be perfect when you are adjusting to the constant changes of growing children.</div>
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So if none of us is perfect, why do we all pretend to be? Why do I feel like my house needs to be polished before someone comes over? Or why do I try to put my children in their cutest (or just matching) clothes before we get together with other mommies? Why do I feel like I have to make Naomi's baby food, and cook a full meal from scratch every day, all while still making time for a full house cleaning every day? </div>
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AND WHO started this competition to be the most competent "Super-mom" around ANYWAY?!? </div>
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If one mommy pretends to be perfect, her friends feel like they have to be perfect, and what we end up with is a bunch of imperfect mommy's pretending to have it all together and never completely opening up to each other. Some of us are drowning in our own chaos and afraid to let anyone know because we don't want to drop the facade of "Super-mom". That would mean admitting we aren't perfect...</div>
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Well here it is: I. AM. NOT. PERFECT!!! And I am going to stop pretending to be Super-mom.<br />
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So what if my toddler isn't potty-trained yet! She knows she is loved unconditionally, and she will get there. So what if my baby isn't getting her tummy time every day! She is adored and she is reaching her milestones despite my imperfect schedule. And So what if my home looks like a dirty toy box. It is filled with love.</div>
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Maybe this will help me open up more to my friends, and maybe it will turn some people off. And maybe, just maybe, it will help another mommy feel like she can let go of the "Super-mom" facade as well. But I <u>know </u>that it will give God an opportunity to show His strength through my weakness. <a href="http://bible.cc/2_corinthians/12-9.htm">2 Corinthians 12:9</a> is such a beautiful reminder.<br />
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As it turns out, God's grace is big enough to cover my failures.</div>
Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12991387916326586067noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2101599953528700373.post-59190112387134441882012-10-15T11:30:00.000-05:002012-10-15T11:30:09.034-05:00In Our ShoesOver the past 7 years, I have seen a lot of pregnancy tests. Each negative test was more devastating that the previous. And the positives inspired sheer elation. Rarely do I think back to a time when I felt much differently...<br />
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When I was 19, I remember saying, "I never want children. A child is a life-time prison sentence!" I remember thinking that a child is the ultimate responsibility that you can never escape. I thought of all of the heart-ache I caused for my parents, and I new for sure I would never want kids of my own for fear of the pain they could cause me. I also remember thinking that I was way too selfish for children ...and at the time, I was right!<br />
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When I was 19, I was not ready for children, and I had NO idea how amazing it is to hold a baby in my arms and comfort her when she is unhappy. I had no idea how beautiful a smiling 2-year-old could be covered in yogurt and asking for a 'nackin'. I didn't understand how much love you could feel for a child or how difficult it could be to lose one.<br />
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Back then, a positive pregnancy test would have been devastating. Probably even more devastating than the many negative pregnancy tests I have taken in the past 7 years.<br />
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When we were trying to get pregnant with Abigail, I chatted with a friend online who was pregnant with her 4th child. She had gotten married after I had, and she had gotten pregnant pretty soon after getting married. I told her how devastated we were about not having a child on earth yet. And I will never forget her response. She told me she would trade places with me if she could ....<br />
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My blood began to boil, and I shook with anger and jealousy. How could anyone want to be in my shoes? I had just lost our first child, and I was desperately trying to get pregnant and carry a child to birth. And this woman had the gall to tell me she would rather be in my shoes than to have her 4th child!<br />
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I would have given almost anything to be in her shoes. God must love her more than He loved me because he had given her more blessings.<br />
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Sometime after Abigail was born, while I was dealing with her milk protein allergy, reflux, and colic, I thought back to my conversation with my friend and thought about how difficult it would be to care for my sick child with 3 other children to take care of. And it occurred to me that perhaps my friend had been speaking out of as much desperation as I was feeling while trying to have a child - maybe even more.<br />
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And it wasn't until a couple of years later that God has given me the ability to sympathize with people who considered a positive pregnancy test bad news - a teenager, woman whose marriage is falling apart, or someone who has more than she can handle. Once I learned that lesson, my jealousy of people with unplanned children seemed to just evaporate.<br />
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God has given each of us different paths, and we walk them IN OUR OWN SHOES! God knows the different speed bumps we will encounter on those paths, and He knows when we will be most desperate for His rescue and comfort.<br />
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Jeremiah 29:11 (ESV) For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.<br />
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I have learned that if I can just mentally put on someone else's shoes, I can usually sympathize with their despair even if it hurts me to do it. God has now blessed me with 4 children - 2 in heaven, and 2 here on earth. And I know that He doesn't play favorites. He has blessed me so abundantly with my husband and children.<br />
<br />Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12991387916326586067noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2101599953528700373.post-83739360115505341592012-10-08T03:16:00.003-05:002012-10-08T03:16:32.144-05:00Tips for Friends and Family when a Baby is LostThis is a great list of tips for friends and family of someone who loses a baby during any stage of pregnancy or infancy. I copied this from Maddie's Footprints, a local organization committed to helping support families experiencing miscarriage, stillbirth or the loss of an infant:<br />
<a href="http://www.maddiesfootprints.org/Tips-for-Family-and-Friends.php">http://www.maddiesfootprints.org/Tips-for-Family-and-Friends.php</a><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: large;"><strong>Tips for Family and Friends</strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">How do you express your grief and concern without saying the wrong thing? How can you be there for the family? These questions are asked frequently by family and friends. The loss of a baby can be a very “taboo” subject and it can be a difficult topic to talk about for all people involved. Do not assume that the parents don’t want to talk about it. By letting parents talk about their pain, you can help them come to grips with it. Here are a few suggestions:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><u><strong><br /></strong></u></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><u><strong>What to Say</strong></u></span></div>
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<li><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><i><span style="font-family: inherit;">“I’m so sorry. I know how much you wanted to have this baby."</span></i></span><span style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;">If you don’t know what to say – it’s better to say “I’m sorry” than nothing at all. </span></li>
<li><em style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;">“It’s okay to cry.”</em><span style="text-indent: -0.25in;"><div style="display: inline !important;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Often when people are grieving, they try to appear strong to others. If you see that they are becoming emotional, it may be helpful to know that their feelings are validated and you can allow them to express them without embarrassment.</span></div>
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<li><em style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;">“Would you like to talk about it?”</em><span style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;"><div style="display: inline !important;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Usually, the parents want nothing more than to talk about their baby, so avoiding the topic can be viewed as being insensitive to the situation.</span></div>
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<li><em style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;">“Is there anything I can do for you?”</em><span style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;"><div style="display: inline !important;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Often times in these situations, families will enjoy a home-cooked meal or help with other children or running errands. Offer it to them and let them know you are available to assist.<i> </i></span></div>
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<li><em style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;">“I don’t know what to say.”</em><span style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;"><div style="display: inline !important;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Honesty can be more comforting than words with less meaning<i>.</i></span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 7pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;">Silence can be nice as well. Just hold their hand or give them a hug. Let them know that you are there for them.</span></li>
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<u><strong><span style="font-family: inherit;">What Not to Say</span></strong></u><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Remember that while positive words can help at times, sometimes it may sound like you’re making light of the loss. It may make the parents feel that they don’t have a right to be sad about their loss. Sometimes statements with good intentions may cause resentment. Try to avoid the following:</span><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><em style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;"> “It was meant to be.”</em></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><em style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;">“I know exactly how you feel.”</em></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><em style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;">“Everything happens for a reason.”</em></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><em style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;">“It’s good it happened now.”</em></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><em style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;">“At least you didn’t get to know the baby.”</em></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><em style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;">“Thank goodness you are young and you can have more children.”</em></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><em style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;">“At least you have other children at home.”</em></li>
<li><span style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><em style="font-family: inherit; text-indent: -0.25in;">“You have an angel in heaven.”</em></li>
</ul>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><strong>What You Can Do</strong></u><br />
<span style="text-indent: -24px;">You can be the greatest gift to grieving parents. By allowing parents to talk about the pain, you can help them accept it. Your caring gestures can provide positive memories as parents look back on their loss. Here are some other suggestions that may be helpful:</span><br />
<br />
<ul>
<li><span style="text-indent: -24px;">Call the baby by name. Never call a baby “it” or refer to him or her as a fetus. To the parents, the infant was a baby, regardless of how long he or she lived.</span></li>
<li><span style="text-indent: -24px;">Let parents make their own decisions about the funeral and what to do with the baby’s room or clothing. Don’t deprive them of experiencing the reality of death</span></li>
<li><span style="text-indent: -24px;">If there is a funeral, attending shows your care and supports. You are recognizing this baby was unique even though she or he didn’t live long.</span></li>
<li><span style="text-indent: -24px;"> If you can’t attend the funeral, send a letter or a note to the parents. Express your support and concern. These acknowledgments may be a treasured part of the baby book many parents choose to keep.</span></li>
<li><span style="text-indent: -24px;"> Give a special memento to the parents.</span></li>
<li><span style="text-indent: -24px;">Write a poem or a letter to the baby.</span></li>
<li><span style="text-indent: -24px;"> Remember parents on the infant’s special days – due date, birthday, and anniversary of the death. Acknowledge the baby at holidays. Remember that Mother’s Day and Father’s Day have special meaning for these parents.</span></li>
</ul>
</div>
<b>Remember </b>that grieving is a process. Be patient and understand that the grief does not end at the funeral. It may take years for parents to feel “normal” again. Some need less, some need more. Parents go on with their lives, but they’re never quite the same again. Providing support to these parents may allow them to cope easier. You are very important to the parents now and in the months to come.<br />
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Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12991387916326586067noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2101599953528700373.post-69272630133800229882012-10-03T16:39:00.001-05:002012-10-03T16:39:08.435-05:00FallingSometimes as parents, we make mistakes. Maybe we forget to restock the diaper bag and have to come home from something fun early, or we say something that hurts our child's feelings. And other times, we accidentally hurt our children, which is what happened to us a little over a week ago.<br />
<br />
We had a long day taking family to New Orleans to see the sights and eat some beignets. So after 4 hours in the car, and about 5 hours walking around in the intense heat of fall in Southern Louisiana, we were all pretty exhausted. We were settling down for the night, and I was preparing to nurse Naomi before bed.<br />
<br />
I picked her up out of her crib and started walking toward the glider I usually nurse in, but somehow, along the way, I tripped and fell forward with Naomi in my left arm. Somehow on my way down she flew out of my arm. I don't have any recollection at all of how I landed, because I was watching her fall. It still plays through my head in slow motion.<br />
<br />
She shot forward like a projectile, and the back of her head slammed into the second shelf from the bottom in a set of book shelves. Then the back of her head hit the corner of a milk crate holding my pumping supplies on the way to the floor. It looked like someone had thrown a plastic baby doll against the shelf, except that it was my precious 4-month-old daughter.<br />
<br />
I screamed at my husband who was in the bed, "Oh, my God! HELP!"<br />
<br />
And about half a second after the fall, Naomi started to scream and cry. I think I was laying across the ottoman of the glider when I scooped her off the floor and flipped her in one motion to look at the back of her head. There was no blood, but there was immediate swelling. two huge purple goose-eggs started to come out on the back of her head very quickly. And I started to panic and practically hyperventilate.<br />
<br />
All at once, I handed the baby to my husband, started getting dressed, grabbed my phone and started to call the ER, all while crying and saying over and over again, "I don't know what to do. I am so scared!" I was completely out of breath while talking to the ER nurse and asking what to do, and my husband was getting his mother, who happened to be visiting at the time. I was actually a little surprised when the ER nurse told me to call the ambulance.<br />
<br />
I never imagined I would ever have to call 911 for my infant. While I was panicked, I guess I thought I might be overreacting when I initially thought of calling 911. I mean ...she only cried for about 3 minutes before becoming calm and laid back like her normal self.<br />
<br />
And after two EKGs, some oxygen, an ice pack and some other checks on the 15 minute ambulance ride, it seemed like the medics were not terribly alarmed, so I started relaxing. Then the doctor came in and said that she looked fine, but that he was going to do a CT scan of her brain to make sure she had no brain bleeds or skull fractures.<br />
<br />
She came out just fine. She didn't enjoy laying on the back of her head for about 24 hours, but other than that, it didn't seem to bother her much. She has a lump in the back of her head that the pediatrician said will be there for a month or two, but other than that, she came out of it with no long-term effects.<br />
<br />
Thank God for protecting my precious little girl!!<br />
<br />
Once I knew she was ok, the guilt set in. I felt like a terrible mother. God had trusted me with this precious life, and my clumsiness could have changed or ended that life. I felt like I had let down my children, my husband, and God.<br />
<br />
It took me a couple days to start moving around the house with her in my arms, and I am still nervous about carrying her. I also still cry when I remember her fall.<br />
<br />
I was just starting to feel confident as a mother, and now I am struggling to feel like a stable mother. I guess we all fail our kids and our spouses occasionally, and we have to ask God to restore our confidence and thank Him for protecting our loved ones from our mistakes and accidents.Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12991387916326586067noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2101599953528700373.post-61642652199098515182012-08-24T16:30:00.002-05:002012-08-24T16:30:40.936-05:00Best. Baby. Ever!Long time, no blog! I have missed sharing the most difficult and wonderful moments of my life with yall, and so I am back again.<br />
<br />
My little Naomi is truly the best baby I have ever experienced.<br />
<br />
Of course she woke up every 3-4 hours and wanted to eat non-stop for the first 6 weeks, because she is still a baby, after all. But she started sleeping longer and longer at night, until, at 3 months, she started sleeping 8-10 hours at night about 90% of the time!<br />
<br />
Initially, her feeding skills were challenged, to say the least. She fell asleep about 3 minutes into each meal, which resulted in poor weight gain and drama with her pediatrician. It also meant a 20 minute pumping session every couple of hours, ugh! Now, with some maturity (and a new pediatrician), we are still exclusively breastfeeding. And while her weight gain has been slow, her development is perfect, and she is alert, content, and super smiley!<br />
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<br />
She is also just plain pleasant. She smiles, laughs randomly, and loves to watch activity. She especially loves to watch her sister! Abigail is the best entertainment for Naomi, and Abi enjoys making her sister laugh and smile too.<br />
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<br />
<br />
I am delighted to be sharing my life with my husband and these two little girls!<br />
<br />
And, Naomi is such a good baby, we're ready for another!Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12991387916326586067noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2101599953528700373.post-75634443719588135832012-06-29T10:08:00.000-05:002012-06-29T11:02:55.071-05:00The Princess and the Pea<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Princess</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Pea</td></tr>
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<br />
I can't possibly communicate how awesomely insane life is with these two ...but I'm going to try!<br />
<br />
Abigail is two and one half year now, and while my original plan was to have her potty-trained by 18 months, our new goal is to keep her peeing IN the diaper instead of the bed. She only seems bothered by a wet diaper when she is in bed, at which time she removes her diaper and wets the bed. So we are now using super-tight, 24-mo-sized onesies to prevent her from removing the diaper. However, since we only have three, and our laundry is a little behind ...imagine a 6-ft-high pile ...we have had to resort to taping the diaper on.<br />
<br />
Abigail is really blossoming! She is talking non-stop, and her imagination is fascinating. She imagines castles and rivers where there are grocery stores and parking lots. She builds "big, Big, giant" boats and trains and houses from blocks. And she tells me the shspes, letters and colors of signs as we drive down the roads. Best of all, she loves her sister, and she tells me about it daily.
<br />
<br />
Naomi is a pretty easy baby. She has been a very frequent nurser and has had a couple of medical challenges, but she is happy most of the time. What a joy! Her medical challenges do not scare me terribly. She has been a slow grower, and at 8 weeks is still not quite 9 lbs, but she's getting long and lean and is acting like a perfectly healthy 2-month-old! Because of her slow growth, I am having to pump and feed the extra to her by bottle after most feeds.<br />
<br />
She has a mysterious lump on the side of her neck, for which she has had an ultrasound, lots of labs, and a day admitted to the pediatric ICU. All of the scary stuff has been ruled out, and the docs think it is muscular and resolvable.<br />
<br />
And she has some type of allergy or sensitivity to something I am eating because her "output" isn't totally normal.<br />
<br />
Our house is not doing nearly as well as our children! I mentioned the laundry. Our kitchen has dished piled around on the counters and is generally kind of hard to function in. I clean sections of it to cook, but it never seems done. The living room looks more like a toy box. And our bedroom is looking like a pumping room in a hospital - items of convenience near my nursing/pumping chair, baby laundry, a baby changing station, and a pack-n-play bassinet have all come to live in our room. Slowly, we will get back to the routine I had worked out before Naomi got here, but until, life is chaotic, to say the least.<br />
<br />
The thing that has changed the most now that we have two is the amount of time I am focusing on children. Also, I have found that I am less worried about each child, and especially about the little things with Naomi. For example, the weird gurgles or odd chokes with Abigail sent us to the doctor almost twice weekly for the first month or two. With Naomi, we have only gone when they told us to come, or when a problem didn't resolve itself in a couple of weeks. I am significantly more confident in my mom-sense, and I trust my own judgement so much more! I actually feel like I know what I am doing with Naomi. Now, if I could just figure out how to do it all faster so I could clean my house!<br />
<br />
Is this everything I thought it would be? Not even close!<br />
It is SO much more.<br />
<br />
More chaos for sure!<br />
(I am wondering if I will ever recover to normal life again.)<br />
<br />
And more passion than I could even fathom existed. I can love more passionately than I knew possible. And all in one day I can be passionately loving, protective, annoyed, afraid, and amused.<br />
<br />
I wouldn't trade this for the world!Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12991387916326586067noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2101599953528700373.post-72523400500183197012012-06-10T15:32:00.001-05:002012-06-10T15:32:44.285-05:00From 3 to 4In my last post, I talked about the fears that I experienced during the first trimester of my 4th pregnancy. To continue...<br />
<br />
Once we got past the 13th week, I felt a little more sure that this pregnancy would result in a baby rather than heartbreak. I was still very much hypersensitive about every cramp or pain or weird feeling. I had been to Labor and Delivery at least 3 times by the end of the second trimester.<br />
<br />
By 33 weeks, I was becoming accustomed to feeling like the baby was going to fall out, and stopped worrying so much about it. So the day of my OB appointment at 33 weeks, I was not terribly concerned that I felt terrible.<br />
<br />
That morning, I took Abigail to a play group at the park, and it was unbearably hot. We went from there to Chic-fil-A for lunch and to wait for my appointment. I must have looked terrible because the Chic-fil-A workers were asking if I needed to go to the hospital.<br />
<br />
Turns out, those ladies at Chic-fil-A knew more than me....<br />
<br />
Just a few hours later, my OB found that I was 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced. She sent me to the hospital for observation and determined that I was having regular contractions. So I got a series of shots: a set of steroids to boost the baby's lung maturity and a series of shots to stop the contractions. They told me I would likely only be pregnant for another week to 9 days.<br />
<br />
Boy were they wrong! After lots of prayer and one week of bedrest, I stayed pregnant until 39 weeks.<br />
<br />
I finally got to experience all of the parts of pregnancy I had always heard about but never experienced:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Growing obscenely large</li>
<li>Stretch marks</li>
<li>Bring SUPER emotional (just ask my closest friends and husband)</li>
<li>Wanting desperately to deliver because I was so uncomfortable</li>
</ul>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And then there was a new fear ...I was so afraid that the baby was going to be in danger in my womb. I cried a lot at 37 and 38 weeks because of that fear. It was a completely irrational fear because my OB and the high risk doc were monitoring the baby very closely.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Their only concern was that the baby was getting very large. At 33 weeks, the US tech told me that the baby was already about 5 lb, and the high risk doc said 6.5 lb at 35. They were predicting her weight to be around 9 lb if we managed to get to 39 weeks. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
At 37 weeks, I started having regular contractions about ever 10 minutes, and I thought for sure we would be having a baby within the day. Turns out the contractions weren't making any changes to my cervix, so I just kept having them with no change for about a week. Then at 38 weeks, they got closer together, to about every 5 minutes. Again, I thought I was going to have the baby within the day. But the change to my cervix was only very minor. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I was 2 cm and 80% effaced and having regular contractions at my last appointment on Friday, April 27. Since the baby was expected to be large, we decided to induce the following Tuesday. I was excited, and SO ready after having contractions for 2 weeks.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
On Tuesday morning we went into the hospital. I was already contracting regularly, but they gave me pitocin around 8:30AM to get the process jump started. My goal was to do it without pain medicine or an epidural. So I asked them not to break my water early on. However, since the pitocin wasn't doing much, I let the doctor break my water around noon. Things really got to moving at that point, and the pain started getting really harsh. I ended up demanding the epidural a couple of hours later because the pitocin contractions were too much to handle. The epidural started working about 10 minutes after they put it in, and I was much more comfortable. Then about 20 minutes later, around 2:45PM, the nurse checked me. I was already 8cm, so she started prepping the room. About the time she finished prepping the room, the pain changed, and the nurse checked me again. I was fully dilated and ready to go!</div>
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At 3:42PM, on May 1, Naomi Virginia Puckett joined our family. She was 7lb 5oz and 19.5 inches long. And our little family of 3 became 4. </div>
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<br /></div>Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12991387916326586067noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2101599953528700373.post-62016144517613845782012-04-29T18:18:00.000-05:002012-04-29T18:23:36.066-05:00Pregnancy #4 - Trimester 1In my last post, I talked about finding out that we were pregnant with Pregnancy #4 and the fear that comes with pregnancy after losses. To continue ...<br />
<br />
After the misdiagnosed ectopic (tubal) pregnancy and resulting emergency surgery that came with Pregnancy #3, Gabriel, I was very cautious about finding a good OBGYN whom I could trust. I found a doctor that came highly recommended and whom I thought might be a good option. She was a young female doctor, which is something I generally prefer, and she was also a partner of the doctor who saw me through the recovery from the last pregnancy.<br />
<br />
I transferred to her and tried to schedule an appointment for 8 weeks. Unfortunately, her schedule was full, and they couldn't get me in until 11 weeks!!! That really made me nervous since I had already had two first trimester losses. So I also scheduled with another doctor who has a good reputation in the area.<br />
<br />
I had an ultrasound (US) at 6 weeks before the fertility specialist would release me. However, I was happy that the new doctor was able to schedule me for another ultrasound at 8 weeks. That ultrasound came back great, and my lab results did as well. However, the office experience was terrible! I waited for SOOOOO long, and I wasn't terribly excited about the doctor being a man.<br />
<br />
I saw that doctor again at 10 weeks and had another ultrasound, again confirming that all was well. However, my office experience was again, very bad, so I decided to keep the appointment with the female OBGYN for the following week.<br />
<br />
Again, at 11 weeks, I had another ultrasound, and again, everything looked great! I was overjoyed that I was approaching the end of the first trimester. However, I was still afraid of what could happen.<br />
<br />
My doctor scheduled me to start seeing the high risk specialist to manage my thyroid medication, because I have hypothyroidism. Also, since the pregnancy with Abigail had been so complicated, I would be seeing the high risk doctor about every 2-4 weeks throughout the second trimester to make sure the baby was growing appropriately and my cervix was staying closed. Each of these visits would involve an US, and for that I was very grateful.<br />
<br />
So the first trimester had gone very smoothly, but my anxiety level was pretty high. And that made it hard to get excited about the pregnancy. I was afraid of a second trimester loss or another long bed rest stay or something else complicating the pregnancy.<br />
<br />
And I was ashamed that I was afraid. I was ashamed of my feelings because I was supposed to be a strong, Godly woman. I am a wife to an amazing husband, a mother of one earthly princess and two babies in heaven, a business woman, a manager of my household and our recent move, and a woman called by God to minister to other women who deal with infertility and pregnancy loss ..... I was supposed to be filled with faith and courage. I was not supposed to be worried about whether God would keep my child safe in my womb. But I was. And to be honest, as I write this, 39 weeks pregnant, with an induction scheduled in two days, I still have fear about the successful birth of this child.<br />
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I just know that no matter what happens, God loves me, and he has a plan that is far beyond anything I can understand. I will be ok, and eventually, maybe God will help me overcome these fears and anxieties around pregnancy. I know for sure that he will use my struggles to help other women through their infertility, losses, and fears.<br />
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<br />Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12991387916326586067noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2101599953528700373.post-39495682848768125642012-04-04T14:57:00.003-05:002012-04-04T14:57:56.086-05:00Fear That Comes from a LossIn my last post, I talked about finding out that we were pregnant. To continue...<br />
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When most women find out they are pregnant, there is joy, excitement, and anticipation. But when you have lost a baby from a pregnancy that ends early, there is a tendency to have fear.<br />
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I was fearful.<br />
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Our first pregnancy ended with a miscarriage at 13 weeks. Our second pregnancy was filled with complications, and ended prematurely, at 33 weeks, with our little miracle, Abigail. Our third pregnancy ended in an emergency surgery because of a tubal pregnancy at 7 weeks. And all of them had started the same way that this one had, with a positive pregnancy test.<br />
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Statistically speaking, my fear was justified... But I felt like it was not very "Christian" of me to fear for the life of my child. God had it all under control, didn't He? He had it under control, and yet He still welcomed two of my children into His arms before I ever got to meet them.<br />
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The fear involved in early pregnancy, for me, includes things like:<br />
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<ul>
<li>Not doing any heavy work</li>
<li>No lifting, except for Abigail</li>
<li>Getting as much rest as possible</li>
<li>Taking prenatal vitamins religiously</li>
<li>Checking the toilet paper with every wipe</li>
<li>Being overly conscious of every little twinge or feeling of any kind anywhere in your body</li>
<li>Calling the doctor almost daily with a new concern</li>
<li>Etc .....</li>
</ul>
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Because I had an ectopic/tubal pregnancy and a later-than-average miscarriage in my medical history, I knew that I would be monitored pretty closely during the 1st trimester. My fertility specialist had scheduled me for an ultrasound at 6 and 1/2 weeks to confirm that it was a viable pregnancy. However, I was so scared, and I called the nurses so many times, they bumped me back to 6 weeks, 0days. Fortunately, the baby measured 6 weeks exactly and had a very strong heartbeat. And I was so happy, but I was still fearful. </div>
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While waiting for that 6 week ultrasound, I had called around to find a new OBGYN in the area and had scheduled a 1st trimester appointment for 8 and 1/2 weeks. So I knew I would get to see the baby again in just a couple more weeks, but I was still scared. I didn't have any morning sickness yet, and I was not feeling pregnant at all. I just wasn't ready to be joyful and confident that this child would make it to my arms.</div>
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Unfortunately, for those of us who have been through a pregnancy loss of any kind, the innocence of that first, joyful, positive pregnancy test is just kind of missing. The innocence goes away, and instead there is this fear of allowing yourself to be truly joyful until you know for sure that your baby will be ok. For some of us, that is when we reach the second trimester. For others, including me, that is when the baby reaches 24 weeks and has a good chance of survival if born prematurely. And for some, it is not until that precious baby is screaming in Mommy's arms. </div>
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Don't get me wrong... I was happy to carry my Angel and Gabriel, even though I won't get to meet them until I get to heaven. And I still thank God for my two children in heaven and that they got to see Jesus face before anyone else, including Mommy and Daddy. I just really didn't know how much more heartbreak I could handle. But I had felt that way before. I thought I had reached my limit so many times before, and God's grace just carried me through all of the times I didn't think I could handle.</div>
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And so, the first several weeks of my fourth pregnancy were filled with fear, prayer, doubt, and memories of my other pregnancies. I just had to acknowledge that my God is more powerful than anything I could go through, and He has control. I had to keep reminding myself of that, and sometimes, fear still won out ...but I still reminded myself, over and over.</div>
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<br /></div>Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12991387916326586067noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2101599953528700373.post-63019714363040771402012-03-28T19:11:00.001-05:002012-03-28T19:11:36.023-05:00DisbeliefIn my last post about my story, I talked about the two week wait after our IUI treatment. To continue...<br />
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Twelve days after our IUI treatment, on a Sunday morning, I decided to take another pregnancy test. I was leaving the next day to go prepare our house in TX for the movers so we could move our stuff to our new house in Louisiana. Stan was going to have to move out of the temporary apartment and then drive to TX on Tuesday to help with the move. I was hoping to get a real answer before we had to part.<br />
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I knew it would likely have turned positive on day 11 if I was pregnant, so I wasn't terribly optimistic.<br />
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I got up at about 6AM and peed on a stick before Abigail or my husband woke up. I was groggy and tired and almost went back to sleep before checking the results. I carried the stick to my bedside table so I could wait for the results, and I laid my head down. A few minutes later, I looked, and had to do a double take. It looked like there was a faint line in the test spot.<br />
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I woke up my husband with a jolt of energy and danced around the room a little.<br />
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And then, doubt set in. Maybe the test was faulty. Maybe it was a super sensitive test and the HCG shot was still in my system. What if it was another ectopic or miscarriage? SO I decided to go to the the drug store and buy a pack of expensive early detection tests. The first was positive, and so were the second and third. But something didn't feel right. I was in the state of disbelief.<br />
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I don't know why, but I was so reluctant to fully except that I was pregnant again. I think I took 8 pregnancy tests in the first few days, and they were all positive.<br />
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I think fear was preventing me from really believing it. I was afraid that I would go to the doctor, and they wouldn't find a heart beat. Or that something would happen that would cause this baby to go to heaven before meeting us. And so I was reluctant to share the news of this pregnancy as quickly as I had with my other pregnancies.<br />
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The only thing I knew for sure this time was that I wouldn't be much help with the move, and so I delayed my trip for Monday. That would allow me to have a blood draw at the fertility specialists office to determine my HCG and progesterone levels. Normally, I would have a second blood draw on Wednesday morning to determine if my levels were doubling appropriately, but since I would be out of town, I wouldn't be able to have the test until Friday.That made me super nervous.<br />
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On Friday, as we were moving into our new home, I drove to the doctor's office with Abigail and had my blood drawn. And then I waited on pins and needles to get the call that I was waiting for. They called me with splendid news. My levels were great, and there was no need for concern. In fact, they had more than tripled, and I was thinking we might have twins! We scheduled an ultrasound for 4 weeks after the IUI, which would make me 6 weeks pregnant.<br />
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<br />Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12991387916326586067noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2101599953528700373.post-42571263110927304992012-03-27T13:23:00.000-05:002012-03-27T13:23:06.321-05:00Beautiful story!This is a break from my story to share a beautiful link with you:<br />
<a href="http://fiveintow.com/2012/03/01/counting-the-hours/">http://fiveintow.com/2012/03/01/counting-the-hours/</a>Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12991387916326586067noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2101599953528700373.post-81814770342442048312012-03-15T19:00:00.001-05:002012-03-15T19:00:21.904-05:002WWIn my last post, I described the IUI process we went through trying to conceive #4. To continue ....<br />
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For anyone who has every actually tried to get pregnant, you know there is an up-and-down emotional roller coaster that you go through every month. The first two weeks of the cycle are filled with disappointment that you did not conceive the month before, AND your time and mind are consumed with the many things we crazy women do to try to increase the chances of conception. For some of us, these things may be as simple as a minor diet change or making sure to schedule love-making every other day. But the longer you are on the roller coaster, the more intense these preparations may become. For me, with a clear conscience because of a peace from God about fertility treatment, these two weeks were filled with medications, injections, vaginal ultrasounds, and lots and lots of prayer.<br />
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After possible conception, which usually occurs around day 14 of a normal cycle, the real gush of emotions begins because at that point, there is absolutely nothing you can do but pray. For anyone who has been on an infertility or trying-to-conceive (TTC) message board, this 2-3 week wait is called the TWO WEEK WAIT (2WW).<br />
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The 2WW is an extremely emotional time for someone who has been trying to conceive for a long period of time. For me, when I was not doing any kind of treatment, the 2WW would start with an initial positive, hopeful feeling that you "KNOW" that you have conceived and that a baby is growing inside. Then I would start searching for symptoms of pregnancy, like squeezing my breasts a little to see if they were sore, and thinking I might be feeling nauseous. That hopeful feeling starts to fade throughout that first week though when no symptoms surface.<br />
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By the beginning of the second week of the 2WW (actually the fourth week of the cycle), I would generally become very pessimistic and doubtful that I had conceived. And by day 8 or 9 after possible conception (day 22 or 23 of the cycle), I would start taking a daily pregnancy test. I have made many trips to the Dollar Store to buy 10 tests at $1 per test.<br />
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Then at some point later in the week, after I had convinced myself I was probably not pregnant, I would start feeling breast tenderness, increased discharge, and slight nausea (all of which can also be signs of an impending period). And then the optimism was on again! If I hadn't gotten a positive pregnancy test by the 12th day after possible conception, I would go to the drug store to buy an expensive early detection pregnancy test because I was just SURE I was pregnant despite the 5-10 negative tests I had already taken.<br />
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And then when the bleeding would start, I would start the whole roller coaster cycle all over again.<br />
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Now, for a cycle with fertility treatment, things were definitely different. Not only did the doctors monitor things much more closely, but medications can effect symptoms and even the outcome of a pregnancy test. It was quite a significant difference, but the emotions were just as strong, sometimes stronger, and the hope ...and disappointment ...was just as real.<br />
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For this cycle, an IUI with injected medicines and an HCG trigger, the 2WW was interesting. Since the trigger shot is HCG, which is also what makes a pregnancy test positive, I could pee on a pregnancy test and get a very strong positive the day OF the IUI procedure, which should be the conception date, but it would be a false positive. The trigger shot stays in your system for about 10 days too, so taking pregnancy tests every day of the 2WW could just be misleading.<br />
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My plan was to pee on a stick every other day until it was negative to see when the trigger shot was gone from my system and then start taking them for real about 12 days after the IUI. Unbelievably, I did not do what I had planned to do. I was just so busy with getting our move scheduled and getting prepared for closing on the new house that I didn't constantly think about whether I was pregnant or not.<br />
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I was really pretty sure I was pregnant, and so, I was terribly disappointed when the pregnancy tests at 8 and 10 days after IUI were both negative, even though I shouldn't have been able to get a positive until 14 days after. I was just so sure that if I did conceive, I would have twins, which would make my levels higher initially.<br />
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So my wait continued at least for a couple more days. That Friday, 11 days after IUI we closed on our home in Carencro, and that Sunday, I was scheduled to leave for Houston to get ready for the movers on Wednesday. Life would go on whether I was pregnant or not, but I was hoping to have some clarity before Tuesday so I could handle some of the heavier preparation if I was not pregnant. Because of our previous 1st trimester pregnancy losses, if there was a possibility I was pregnant, I wouldn't lift anything heavier than our 24lb daughter, and that was definitely going to limit what I could do to prepare for the move.<br />
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I had very cautious hope and was really hopeful that I would find something out by Sunday.Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12991387916326586067noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2101599953528700373.post-31925872968234701812012-03-06T21:56:00.001-06:002012-03-06T21:56:38.177-06:00IUI<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
In my last post, I talked about trying to conceive Pregnancy #4 and using a more invasive fertility drug regimen. To continue ...<br />
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So after injecting myself with drugs for a week, I was given the clear to inject HCG, often called a trigger shot, to prompt my body to release any mature eggs into my fallopian tube. The body usually responds to the trigger shot at around 36 hours. So I was told to inject the trigger on Saturday night and come in for IUI on Monday morning.<br />
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Since we were doing intrauterine insemination (IUI), we also had to abstain from trying to conceive the natural way until after the IUI was complete. The abstinence for 48-72 hours would promote more healthy sperm available for the IUI procedure.<br />
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The HCG injection was actually pretty unpleasant. I had done a trigger shot before, but for some reason, the needles the drugstore provided for this one were very uncomfortable. The needle didn't want to slide into my flesh like a normal needle would, and because of that, it was very painful. The injection site was actually painful for about 2 weeks after.<br />
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On Monday, very early in the morning, I woke up in pretty significant pain on my left side. It was a pain I was somewhat familiar with. Because I have PCOS, I occasionally end up with cysts on my ovaries that generally grow and then rupture. And ruptured cysts on your ovary are <b>excruciating</b>! This pain was in the same location as a ruptured cyst but significantly more mild. Since I don't usually ovulate naturally, I can tell the difference when I do ovulate, and I the pain was me ovulating on the left side. My initial feeling was disappointment that it was on the left, because I don't have a tube on the left. Much to my delight, around the time the babysitter arrived to watch Abigail, I began to have significant ovulation pain on the right side. I don't know if I have ever been so excited about being in pain before!<br />
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<span style="color: red; font-size: x-small;">Somewhat graphic detail alert!</span><br />
The plan was for my husband to go to the office and leave a sample at 8AM and then head on to work. It would take them about an hour to prepare the sample. (They remove the extra junk in semen so the IUI injection is very concentrated, healthy sperm.) Then I would head to the office around 9AM for the IUI procedure.<br />
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The IUI procedure is where they insert a catheter through your vagina and cervix, directly into the uterus. Then they inject the sample through the catheter. The uterus is a sterile environment, and in the natural conception process, most of the semen never makes it through the cervix because a lot of it is not sterile enough to be in the uterus. Only strong sperm manage to get through to the uterus. The IUI process allows more healthy sperm to get through, and allows it to start its journey to the egg from a much closer starting point.<br />
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<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: right; text-align: right;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjY-0OjHurSnlfg7vId6G9pUoW0v6Dku8wFHNNp1Qq64vFT-FqejsC0gYzU5ZA47jzbjwsjmRFk1R294aVS9ZuSwRQmtDI-lSxexog8h-2OyBJJrJRx0E1lNjrnPJefX01luhtL3C3uyukl/s1600/SpermTimer.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjY-0OjHurSnlfg7vId6G9pUoW0v6Dku8wFHNNp1Qq64vFT-FqejsC0gYzU5ZA47jzbjwsjmRFk1R294aVS9ZuSwRQmtDI-lSxexog8h-2OyBJJrJRx0E1lNjrnPJefX01luhtL3C3uyukl/s1600/SpermTimer.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The timer looked a little like this except the back was an egg.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The procedure was actually a bit surprising. I went into the office and signed a consent. Then the doctor came in with a nurse, asked me if I had any questions, and told me to remove everything waste-down. When he and the nurse came back in, they asked me to verify my husband's name on the vial containing his sample. Then he told me to lay back with my feet in the stirrups, and he put in a speculum. About a minute later, he said, "Ok, all done." Then the nurse, set a timer for 10 minutes and told me to continue laying down until the timer went off, and then I was free to go. When I was getting dressed, I noticed that the timer was actually a sperm and an egg.<br />
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I prayed the whole 10 minutes. Mostly that I was conceiving at that moment, but also that if it was not God's will for us to get pregnant that month, that He would prevent it. I also prayed that God wouldn't allow us to have more than we could handle, and any more than triplets was more than I thought I could handle for sure!<br />
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I considered staying there for a while longer, but I decided to trust that 10 minutes was long enough. I saw a preview of a movie once where a woman walked out of the fertility office with her legs clenched together. Yea .... I was so much like that when I left the office.<br />
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IUI #1 was complete, and it would either work or not, only time would tell. Now for the two week wait ...Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12991387916326586067noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2101599953528700373.post-59233711941811366522012-02-29T16:17:00.000-06:002012-02-29T16:17:01.692-06:00Stabbing Myself with NeedlesIn my last post, I talked about trying to conceive again with the new fertility specialist, who recommended fertility medicine injections and IUI. To continue ...<br />
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So August 3, 2011, we started our next fertility cycle. This would be the first after the loss of our 3rd pregnancy. At this point, we were still living in temporary housing. However, we had begun the process of purchasing a home in Carencro, LA, which would be far enough north of Lafayette that my husband wouldn't have to drive quite as far to his job every day. I was scheduling the move of our household goods, and working on getting an extension to stay in the corporate apartment until the weekend we would close on the new house. Abigail was 19 months old, very active, and really starting to understand more of what was going on around her. So we were all very busy.<br />
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So busy in fact, that I didn't have much time to focus on getting pregnant. I was very happy for the distractions, actually, because it helped me avoid dwelling on what could happen, good or bad, with this fertility cycle.<br />
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<b>The Medicine</b><br />
The medicine with this cycle was much more extensive than just taking 5 or 10 Clomid pills over 5 days. This time I was on three medicines:<br />
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<ul>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnJ3laN0rDkxAF8nnIf77zl3M3mij5nU7VdfDJw6ncDKfLgXZa74Fm1jTnKJ8PjmmZhul0QISXoz0oDCDPDhmf5k5KTZdxVhmXroU4T1WTKet82UFB4trnsEGLFebhbmSAXZQQwcPc2F7j/s1600/Follistim+Pen.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnJ3laN0rDkxAF8nnIf77zl3M3mij5nU7VdfDJw6ncDKfLgXZa74Fm1jTnKJ8PjmmZhul0QISXoz0oDCDPDhmf5k5KTZdxVhmXroU4T1WTKet82UFB4trnsEGLFebhbmSAXZQQwcPc2F7j/s1600/Follistim+Pen.jpg" /></a>
<li>Femara - I had to take 10 pills at one time on day 3 of the cycle.
<br />I am not really sure what this medicine was for. </li>
<li>Follistim - This was a medicine that I had to inject once per day for 7 days, starting on day 5 of the cycle. This medicine was administered by an injection "pen" that came with a case, a set of needles that were about half an inch long, and a vial of medicine that had to be refrigerated. I had to insert the vial, screw a needle on the pen, rub down my skin with an alcohol wipe, and then stab myself in the belly and inject. Then, of course, the needle went into a newly acquired "sharps" disposal container. This medicine didn't hurt too badly. The only part that hurt was the stabbing.<br />This medicine promoted the formation of follicles in my ovaries, and hopefully at least one would fill with an egg.</li>
<li>HCG - This was a medicine that I had used before in Clomid cycles with previous pregnancy. <br />The purpose of this medicine is to cause the ovaries to release one or more eggs into the dominant follicle or follicles.</li>
</ul>
<div>
So on day 3, which was a Friday, I took the Femara. Then on Sunday, I started the Follistim injections. The following Friday, day 10, I went into the doctor's office for a follicle scan. This is basically a vaginal ultrasound where they look closely at your ovaries to see if any follicles have formed, and if so, to make sure there are not too many dominant follicles. When there are an abnormally large number of follicles for someone with both fallopian tubes in tact, there is a high risk of multiples. If that happens, the doctor may call off the IUI and tell you to avoid intercourse so you don't end up with high-order multiples. </div>
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I wasn't really sure what to expect. In all of my monitored Clomid cycles in which I had a follicle scan, there were either no follicles that were big enough, or only one. So I was very surprised when the US technician said "Wow, that's a lot of follicles!" She counted 6 or 7 in the left ovary and 7 or 8 in the right ovary. Not all were large enough or the best shape, but I was worried they wouldn't let me try this month because the medicine had worked too well. So I waited on the call from the nurse to let me know if and when to inject the HCG and when to come in for the IUI.</div>
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The coolest part about the medicines this time were that the side effects were unnoticeable. With Clomid, I would get headaches, hot flashes, and nausea. So the medicines actually worked much better, with less side effects. The medicine was pretty expensive as well, and without insurance would have cost about $500. Fortunately, my husband's insurance covered all but $35 of it. (We are so blessed!)</div>
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I got the call later that Friday afternoon from the doctor's office. They told me to inject the HCG on Saturday evening around 8, and to come into the office for IUI on Monday morning. </div>
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We were on our way to another 2 week wait to find out if this cycle would result in our 4th pregnancy.</div>Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12991387916326586067noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2101599953528700373.post-2174966455281844022012-02-21T17:36:00.000-06:002012-02-21T17:36:06.195-06:00Trying Again ...Hi again, everyone! I took a 'holiday' break, and didn't realize it was going to take me until Mardi Gras to get back it!<br />
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In my last several posts, I talked about our 3rd pregnancy ending tragically and dangerously in a tubal pregnancy and emergency surgery. I also talked about trying to get into a new Fertility Specialist in the Lafayette area, where we had been living in a corporate apartment for a couple of months. And I discussed my confusion about why God was allowing my family to go through another pregnancy loss, as well as a disaster at our home in Texas and our inability to get anyone to buy our home quickly.<br />
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So at this point, we were still living in a temporary apartment in Lafayette, and we were restarting our home search in Lafayette, after having to bail on our original home choice. Our home in Texas had been sitting on the market for 3 months without much activity at all, and we had just paid out a significant amount of money for an insurance copay from a pipe situation and for some extra painting and upgrades to help market the house. And I was recovering from my 3rd surgery in 2011 by just mid July.<br />
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We had both had some testing done to determine what exactly was going on with our fertility, only to find out that while my husband was just dandy, my fertility situation had only become worse. My body wasn't ovulating properly, and my official diagnosis was PCOS with newly reduced chance for pregnancy because of the lack of ovarian tube on the left side of my body. So even if my body happened to ovulate, or even if we stimulated ovulation with medicine, any eggs coming from the left side would most likely never have a chance at getting fertilized. I was also now at a higher risk of having another tubal pregnancy because of my history.<br />
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After my last surgery, my first question was: "How soon until we can safely try again?" And the fertility specialist said I could try with my second period, but that my first would likely not happen for about 6-8 weeks. To my surprise, I started a period only 2 weeks later, but it was really light and kind of strange. So the doc let me take some progesterone to build up the lining of my uterus again. On August 3, just over 30 days after my last surgery, my period began again. I called the doc's office, and they cleared me to start trying ...THAT MONTH! I was surprised, but delighted and a little scared.<br />
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The doctor recommended that we use different, more potent fertility drugs this time (more on that in the next post) and that we do Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) to simply give us the best chance to conceive. I told them to go ahead and call in the prescriptions, but that I would have to call them back about the IUI part. I needed to pray about it, and I needed to give my husband time to pray about it as well. I had concern that because of his hesitation to pursue infertility treatment after we lost our Gabriel only 3 months before, he would not be a fan of going through with IUI.<br />
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After I prayed and felt peace about it, I called my husband at work. I told him how excited I was that we were going to be able to start trying immediately. I asked him if he was ok with the meds and trying now, and he said, "Sure!" Then, I hesitantly said that the doctor recommended IUI, and that our insurance covered it (which is unheard of). And I waited with anticipation ....for about 10 seconds. To my surprise, he said, "Sounds good." I was completely surprised. I told him the process and asked if he was sure, and he said, "Yep".<br />
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In my next post, I will go through the step-by-step process of the IUI cycle.Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12991387916326586067noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2101599953528700373.post-71292802280122630452011-12-06T11:12:00.001-06:002011-12-06T12:33:22.832-06:00Did God Abandon Us?In my last post, I talked about having a second surgery to repair my uterus and taking some time to refocus. To continue...<br />
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We moved to Lafayette in April because it seemed very clear that God was moving us. My husband had a much better job to move to, and we were offered a great relocation package that would help us sell and buy a home and put us up in temporary living for up to three months. We put our Texas house on the market with the expectation that it would sell very quickly, and that we would break even financially because we were confident that God would come through since he was moving us.<br />
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The first week of May, we lost our baby Gabriel with a tubal pregnancy, thus affecting my future fertility. Our loss was devastating and discouraging. Then a couple of months on the market, we discovered that our home in Texas was not generating much interest. I became concerned because I realized that our time in temporary living was flying by. We were going to have to move out before the middle of July. And we didn't have anywhere to go...<br />
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And then, in the middle of June, I got a call from a friend in Texas who was checking in on our house every couple weeks. She called to tell me to get a plumber there ASAP. I frantically called a plumber, my husband, my parents for prayer, and my friend back to ask her how bad it was. Apparently, water had been shooting out of one of our upstairs bathroom sinks and had flooded half of the upstairs and had leaked into the downstairs. I packed a bag, put Abigail in the van, and started out the 4-hour drive back to Texas.<br />
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I spent the drive praying and on the phone. The plumber fixed the problem, but also said that we needed to have a drying company come out. I think that was when I realized that this was not going to just be a clean-up job. I arrived at the house to find the kitchen counters swollen, the hard wood floor in the living room swollen, about 1/4 of the walls swollen, the bathroom completely saturated, and carpet on both levels soaked and discolored. And I cried.<br />
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Since all of our furniture was still at the house, we were very fortunate that none of it was damaged. We were also fortunate that we didn't have any mold. In total, though, the insurance claim was more than $25K.<br />
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Initially, I handled all of this pretty well, considering. But after I started getting bills, and our mortgage company messed up getting us the settlement money to pay the contractors. Well ....that's when I started to fall apart.<br />
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Our baby was gone, and we couldn't even start trying again for probably another month, with even less fertility than when I had two fallopian tubes. We had now lost almost $10K in mortgage, utilities, and deductibles and additional repairs for a house we weren't selling. My daughter, whom I had been cloth diapering since infancy was now in disposables full-time, and I was feeding her processed foods and fast food because of the chaos of our lives. She had been sleeping in a Pack-N-Play for three months now with no end in sight, and I was not even sure where we were going to live in a month. The house that we had decided to build wasn't going to be ready until August, and I was pretty sure we couldn't really afford it anyway, so we bailed on it and had to start looking again. Everything was a mess.</div>
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Where was God? Had he abandoned us? Was this move a move <u>out </u>of His will? What did we do wrong?</div>
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All of these thoughts were spinning in my mind, and I was dealing with a lot of anger. </div>
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What is worse was that I had just started writing this blog. I was in the process of telling the story of our struggle with infertility and our first pregnancy and subsequent loss. I was writing this blog so I could help other women with these struggles see that they were not alone in their pain, and that God could bring victory even when you feel you are in the most desperate situation possible. How could I reach out to other women and how could I talk about victory when I was angry at God and questioning whether he even cared about me anymore?</div>
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On July 26-27, I was texting a close friend of mine about my frustration with God and my insecurities about whether we would ever be blessed again. And then on July 27, while I was still frustrated and feeling abandoned, I wrote the blog "<a href="http://from2to8.blogspot.com/2011/07/counseling-promise.html">Counseling and The Promise</a>". My friend wrote to me later and basically called me out for questioning God after He had given me such a beautiful promise.<br />
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And I began to pray for God to change my heart and make me more grateful for the blessings He had already given me. A few days later, I woke up refreshed and feeling relieved. I was grateful for my husband, and for Abigail. I was grateful for a job that my husband loves, and that we had the ability to start over in our house hunt. I was grateful that we had this temporary apartment for another couple of weeks because of an extension we had been granted. And I was grateful for the children God was going to bless us with. The only thing that had really changed was my attitude, and it made such an amazing difference in my whole family's lives. </div>Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12991387916326586067noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2101599953528700373.post-87656182521178032872011-12-01T11:51:00.001-06:002011-12-01T15:59:04.720-06:00Another surgery (3rd this year)<div>In my last post, I talked about deciding to go to a new fertility specialist after the loss of our baby to a tubal pregnancy. To continue ...<br />
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So we went to the fertility specialist, only about a week after losing our baby Gabriel and my left fallopian tube to a tubal pregnancy. Of course, we knew that we were not going to immediately pursue another pregnancy, but we wanted to make a plan. I also had some fear in my mind that we could have more tubal pregnancies because of my new increased chances of having another. My husband hoped that we would get pregnant without assistance this time, and I did as well. The visit to the fertility doc was to get my system checked and cleared for another pregnancy over the next couple of months.<br />
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He recommended that we do a full check on both me and my husband to be sure everything was working properly. Hubby's test was just a semen analysis, which we had refused during previous checkups because we knew he didn't have any issues. I underwent two blood tests and another HSG, which is an x-ray of my uterine cavity while saline and iodine is injected through the cervix. This was the test that my last fertility doc had done after the surgery in January that was supposed to repair my uterine septum. I already knew that some of the septum was still left in the uterus, but they were not able to measure the amount left over.<br />
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Since the last fertility doctor had recommended going back in and removing the remaining septum, and we had seriously considered it, my mind was already thinking that it may be a good idea. So before I went in to have the HSG, I decided that if it was any bigger than 1cm, I would have surgery again. The doctor said it was about 1.5 cm, and so we decided to have the remaining septum removed while waiting to be able to get pregnant again.<br />
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And so, my third pelvic surgery in 6 months was performed the Friday before July 4. This time it was a laparoscopy, 3 holes in my tummy for cameras, lights and air, and a hysteroscopy, which goes up through the cervix and performs the surgery. The surgery was a complete success.<br />
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The recovery was not very bad at all. I had a few days with pain, and about a week of low energy and low activity. I also had to refrain from picking Abigail up for 2 full weeks though, which is complicated and difficult when you are a full-time mom of a 1-year-old!<br />
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The coolest thing that happened while I was laid up from surgery was that my new friends in Lafayette poured out so much love on me and my family. I had joined a group called M.O.P.S., Mothers of Preschoolers, just a few weeks before, and we had also found a great church, so we were starting to get to know some people. The ladies in my M.O.P.S. group were amazing! They brought us dinners for a week, and even ran to my aid when my husband got called into work while Abi was napping and I couldn't get her out of her pack-n-play. I was amazed at the love shown to me by people I had just met.<br />
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I decided to re-focus the attention that I had been spending trying to get and stay pregnant. I started focusing more on my precious little girl and helping her develop into the intelligent, happy little princess she was becoming. I also started researching adoption and planning for our move into the new house that was being built. We were waiting two months after the surgery before we could start pursuing fertility methods to get pregnant again according to the fertility doc's instructions. So I was in a bit of a holding pattern, and it was a great time of recovery and restoration.</div></div>Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12991387916326586067noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2101599953528700373.post-37983889687745038682011-11-15T15:41:00.001-06:002011-11-15T17:06:55.957-06:00To RE or Not To REIn my last post, I described my frustration at having our third pregnancy end with a surgery to remove my fallopian tube. To continue ...<br />
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After I was checked out by the new OBGYN, I got a call from his nurse letting me know that I would not be able to get in to see the new fertility specialist until August. I was pretty disappointed. Once they scheduled that appointment, I got a call from the fertility specialist (RE)'s office to let me know that I needed to complete a questionnaire online. They also told me that if I completed the questionnaire, I would immediately be placed on a waiting list for the next cancellation. So I completed the questionnaire that day!<br />
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I just really wanted to get in to see the RE as soon as possible to start making a plan for how to proceed from there. I was still going to have weekly blood draws to monitor the decrease in my HCG (pregnancy hormone), and I would be required to prevent pregnancy until it was negative ( <10). So either way, I wasn't going to be able to immediately get pregnant. But I just wanted to map the future. Unfortunately, my husband did not share my enthusiasm to move on. (Keep in mind that it was only days after my surgery.) He was not 100% comfortable with moving forward, especially with fertility efforts.<br />
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The following morning, the RE's office called me to let me know that I could come in that week! I was excited that I would be able to meet with the new doctor and hopefully make a plan for how to proceed from here. My husband was supposed to go with me, but I wasn't sure if he would support me going at all. He was comfortable with both of us going, but not with pursuing another pregnancy via fertility methods ...at least not yet.<br />
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It seemed to me that he was very down on the idea of fertility medicine altogether, and he wouldn't explain exactly why. He just told me that he felt like God was going to restore our pregnancy and that he didn't want to use fertility methods yet. He questioned whether I had faith that God could get us pregnant without fertility medicine. He also asked me if I could be happy with just him and Abigail if God never blessed us with another child.<br />
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I was so hurt for so many reasons:<br />
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<li>I felt like my husband blamed fertility methods for the loss of our baby. It seemed like he may have never been comfortable with our fertility pursuits, despite his willingness to go ahead with all of it. I was afraid that he blamed me for our loss because of the fertility medicine.</li>
<li>I didn't think we shared the same desires for a large family anymore, and I was afraid we were growing apart.</li>
<li>I definitely believed that God could get us pregnant how ever He wanted to, but I felt peace that God was using fertility treatments in our case.</li>
<li>I couldn't believe he questioned whether I could be happy with just him and Abigail. I love my little family of 3, and I was perfectly satisfied with my family. I just know that I have a promise of 6 and that God is not done with me yet. </li>
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I began to realize over the next few weeks that my husband was just very grateful that I was alive after our life-threatening tubal pregnancy, and he was afraid that I was becoming obsessed with having more children. And I agree that I was definitely too focused on growing our family. </div>
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I also figured out that I was feeling guilty. I felt like I didn't deserve to be a full-time wife and mom if I only had one child to take care of. Now, those of you who have only one child understand that it is a full-time job to take care of a child and a home. But I still felt like my husband might feel like I was a slacker since I didn't have several children. Part of the reason I felt this was was that I was constantly comparing myself to his mother. She had her first 3 children very close together and raised 5 children altogether. She managed all of this while earning their devotion and respect. He holds her in such high regard, she had to have been a wonderful mother. I felt like I would never earn my husband's devotion and respect unless I could prove to him that I could be an amazing mother too. </div>
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My husband does not hold me to nearly as high a standard as I apparently hold myself. He also DOES share my desire for as many children as God will bless us with. I think he was just trying to protect me.</div>
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And that's when I realized that I really needed to get over my insecurities. My family loves me so much, and I didn't have to have any children to earn their love. And more importantly, God knows me, and he gave me the desires of my heart. My life is already in full swing, and I believe that God has promised me 6 children. I will just keep moving forward and pursuing the desires of my heart with God's help and with the support of my family.</div>
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<br />Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12991387916326586067noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2101599953528700373.post-63615737534250119002011-11-02T15:26:00.001-05:002011-11-02T15:26:44.208-05:00Anger and DoubtIn my last post, I described the night after losing our baby Gabriel to an ectopic pregnancy. To continue ...<br />
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The next morning, I called my husband to come get me from the hospital, and he arrived a couple of hours later. He took me to our house that was for sale and went to the airport to pick up my mom, who was coming to take care of me and Abi while I recovered from surgery. My husband wore a shirt that read "I LOVE MY WIFE!", and it meant so much to me. Once my friends had brought Abi to our house in Texas, and my husband arrived with my mom, pain medicine and rental car, we got ready to leave for our apartment in Lafayette.<br />
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I was so happy to see Abi. I just wanted to pick her up and snuggle her, but I wasn't really in good enough condition to do more than give her a kiss on the forehead. I was also not really in good enough condition for a 4 hours ride on the interstate, but I didn't want my husband to miss work the next day. So we loaded up in our car and the rental car, and my mom and husband drove the family back to Lafayette to return the rental car and go to our apartment.<br />
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I already had a 1st OB appointment set up the following week with the doctor I had chosen in Lafayette, so I called them to let them know, through tears, that I was no longer pregnant but that I still needed to keep the appointment as a follow-up to surgery. The receptionist at the doctors' office put me on hold and when she came back, she informed me that the appointment was strictly an OB appointment. Since I wasn't pregnant, the doctor wouldn't be able to see me until September. And I began to weep while explaining to the receptionist that I still had to see a doctor within a week to follow up on my surgery and that it wasn't my fault that I lost the baby. She sounded panicked and set me up with a different doctor. I was so hurt by the experience that I really didn't even want to go see the new doctor, but I did.<br />
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The new doctor checked me over, and then set me up with the best local fertility specialist in Lafayette. Of course, we weren't ready to try again right away. I still had to recover from the surgery and mourn our loss, but I was definitely very eager to start trying again as soon as I was healthy enough to do so.<br />
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I guess I thought I would handle this loss much better because I had been through a loss before. But I began to feel intense anger a couple of days after the surgery. I had specifically prayed for the baby to implant in the perfect spot, repeatedly. And yet, God allowed our baby to implant in the worst possible place. I was so frustrated. I knew the whole time that God has a master plan, and He knew this was going to happen before we ever got pregnant. I guess I just didn't understand why He was allowing all of this to happen ....again.<br />
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Was God saving our baby from implanting on the leftover septum? Should I have had that surgery after all? I had so many questions .....and I still do have questions. I don't understand why God has allowed me to go through all of this.<br />
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I also questioned whether we were being punished for taking fertility measures. But we felt peace about fertility and taking that approach ..... But my husband also questioned the same thing. And a couple of family members made comments that implied that this wouldn't have happened if we hadn't taken fertility medicine. And again fame the guilt. Did I cause this by taking a medical approach to resolving our fertility issues? I was so frustrated and angry and most of all sad ....so sad.<br />
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I realized about a week after the surgery that my life had been saved. I had been misdiagnosed in Lafayette by the terrible doctor I had been seeing, and things just worked out perfectly for me to see the right doctor at the right time in Houston. I could have died had the baby grown much more. I was so grateful that I was still able to be a wife and Abi's mommy instead of dying from a ruptured fallopian tube.<br />
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I really began to question whether God's promise of six children was real. Despite three confirmations, I still wondered if I had made it all up in my mind. I mean, I was (and am) 33 years old. That doesn't leave a ton of time to have five more kids, especially if we continued to have all of these problems. I also know that sometimes God directs our paths toward a future that we will never see here on Earth. Everything just seemed so uncertain all over again, and I wanted more than anything to just know what the future holds.Hannahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12991387916326586067noreply@blogger.com0