To RE or Not To RE

In my last post, I described my frustration at having our third pregnancy end with a surgery to remove my fallopian tube. To continue ...

After I was checked out by the new OBGYN, I got a call from his nurse letting me know that I would not be able to get in to see the new fertility specialist until August. I was pretty disappointed. Once they scheduled that appointment, I got a call from the fertility specialist (RE)'s office to let me know that I needed to complete a questionnaire online. They also told me that if I completed the questionnaire, I would immediately be placed on a waiting list for the next cancellation. So I completed the questionnaire that day!

I just really wanted to get in to see the RE as soon as possible to start making a plan for how to proceed from there. I was still going to have weekly blood draws to monitor the decrease in my HCG (pregnancy hormone), and I would be required to prevent pregnancy until it was negative ( <10). So either way, I wasn't going to be able to immediately get pregnant. But I just wanted to map the future. Unfortunately, my husband did not share my enthusiasm to move on. (Keep in mind that it was only days after my surgery.) He was not 100% comfortable with moving forward, especially with fertility efforts.

The following morning, the RE's office called me to let me know that I could come in that week! I was excited that I would be able to meet with the new doctor and hopefully make a plan for how to proceed from here. My husband was supposed to go with me, but I wasn't sure if he would support me going at all. He was comfortable with both of us going, but not with pursuing another pregnancy via fertility methods ...at least not yet.

It seemed to me that he was very down on the idea of fertility medicine altogether, and he wouldn't explain exactly why. He just told me that he felt like God was going to restore our pregnancy and that he didn't want to use fertility methods yet. He questioned whether I had faith that God could get us pregnant without fertility medicine. He also asked me if I could be happy with just him and Abigail if God never blessed us with another child.

I was so hurt for so many reasons:

• I felt like my husband blamed fertility methods for the loss of our baby. It seemed like he may have never been comfortable with our fertility pursuits, despite his willingness to go ahead with all of it. I was afraid that he blamed me for our loss because of the fertility medicine.
• I didn't think we shared the same desires for a large family anymore, and I was afraid we were growing apart.
• I definitely believed that God could get us pregnant how ever He wanted to, but I felt peace that God was using fertility treatments in our case.
• I couldn't believe he questioned whether I could be happy with just him and Abigail. I love my little family of 3, and I was perfectly satisfied with my family. I just know that I have a promise of 6 and that God is not done with me yet. 

I began to realize over the next few weeks that my husband was just very grateful that I was alive after our life-threatening tubal pregnancy, and he was afraid that I was becoming obsessed with having more children. And I agree that I was definitely too focused on growing our family. 

I also figured out that I was feeling guilty. I felt like I didn't deserve to be a full-time wife and mom if I only had one child to take care of. Now, those of you who have only one child understand that it is a full-time job to take care of a child and a home. But I still felt like my husband might feel like I was a slacker since I didn't have several children. Part of the reason I felt this was was that I was constantly comparing myself to his mother. She had her first 3 children very close together and raised 5 children altogether. She managed all of this while earning their devotion and respect. He holds her in such high regard, she had to have been a wonderful  mother. I felt like I would never earn my husband's devotion and respect unless I could prove to him that I could be an amazing mother too. 

My husband does not hold me to nearly as high a standard as I apparently hold myself. He also DOES share my desire for as many children as God will bless us with. I think he was just trying to protect me.

And that's when I realized that I really needed to get over my insecurities. My family loves me so much, and I didn't have to have any children to earn their love. And more importantly, God knows me, and he gave me the desires of my heart. My life is already in full swing, and I believe that God has promised me 6 children. I will just keep moving forward and pursuing the desires of my heart with God's help and with the support of my family.

Loss

In my last post, I told the story of our first pregnancy. To continue ...

When the doctor told us that the baby had passed away, we had to let people know. I can’t even express the horror that I experienced when it occurred to me that we had to tell people. Once we left the office, we started making phone calls.

I couldn’t call my own parents. I asked my husband to do it because I knew I would be too emotional to communicate. I listened while he told them that we ‘lost the baby,’ and I tried to tune him out.  He called his family and best friend, and I called my close friends and brother. Every time one of us had to deliver the news, it was heart wrenching.

Before I lost a child to miscarriage, I didn’t know what to do or say to others when they experienced that type of loss. Apparently, most people do not know how to react. People say things like, “Everything happens for a reason.” Or “Maybe God was saving you from the heartache of a child with some horrible disease.” Or “When you’re ready for children, God will bless you with them.” None of these make you feel better. In fact, the latter two comments are actually offensive. They basically explain away the pregnancy because something was either wrong with your baby or with you that made the pregnancy not worthy of completion. God allows teenage prostitutes with drug problems to have babies on occasion, and no one can tell me that they are more ‘ready’ for children than I was. And what reason could there possibly be for losing a baby.

For those of you who are not sure how to respond to someone who has just lost a child to pregnancy loss, please don’t feel bad if you have made the comments above. In truth, any attempt to show compassion is usually better than no response at all. Pregnancy loss is the loss of a family member, and it is terribly painful. Simply saying “I am so sorry for your loss” and offering to cook a meal or help in any way needed means more than you could know.

When we lost Angel, I was filled with questions of what could have been. I wondered whether she would be a baby in heaven. Would he have a childhood and be raised by my family in heaven or by Jesus Himself. Would I know her when I met her? What color were his eyes and his hair? And I had dreams about our Angel.

I was dealing with loss. Loss of a child. Loss of motherhood. Loss of what could have been. Loss of confidence. Loss of innocence... Loss of faith.