26 October 2011
In my last post, I talked about having surgery to resolve an ectopic (tubal) pregnancy and waking to the news that the baby and my left tube were removed. To continue ...
When I woke up from the surgery, I was in excruciating pain. My husband was already on his way, but had not reached the hospital yet. My doctor told me that she had to take my tube, and that what they thought was twins was only one baby. I begged for pain medicine and wept.
Once he arrived, my husband was obviously extremely disappointed and exhausted, so he went home shortly after talking with the doctor by phone from the hospital recovery room. I was hurt that he didn't want to stay, but I also understood... He had just lost a child as well. And since I ended up sharing a room with another woman, he wouldn't have been allowed to stay with me anyway.
After I woke up completely from the surgery, I was pushing for more and more pain medicine. I had had several surgeries prior to this one, but only one that involved over 100 stitches was as painful upon waking. I was in recovery for over 3 hours while they waited for a room to open up for me, and during that time, they gave me so much pain medicine, my blood pressure started to decline. They had to keep urging me to take deep breaths to get my heart rate and blood pressure up. They had maxed out the IV pain meds they could give, so they started bringing me oral meds.
I think one of the worst things about that night was how awake I was. I was alone and in pain and so sad. My cell phone was dead, and I was not within reach of a room phone and wouldn't have known who to call and wake up anyway.
All I wanted was to see and hold and love on my precious baby girl. My sweet friend who had been watching her for the day was so gracious to keep her overnight that night so that we wouldn't have to worry about her. As upset as I was about losing Gabriel, the experience made me even more grateful for the beautiful child God had blessed us with already. I couldn't wait to see her.
Once they placed me in a room with another lady, I realized that she was also very awake. She had the TV on, and I was so glad! I wanted something to entertain my heavily medicated mind so I could think about something other than my loss. We had most of the room lights on as well. I could tell both of us were slipping in and out of drug-enduced naps though.
The night was creeping by SO slowly. I really don't know if it was because of the medicine, or because of the surprising and horrible experience I had just had. I am positive that it was the longest night of my life to date. I was shivering cold and itching like crazy from the pain medicine, so they gave me something for the itching, which made me nervous and antsy. Toward the end of the night, I realized that if I wanted to go home in the morning, I needed to ease off of the pain medicine, no matter how badly it hurt. And as I slowed down my requests for pain meds, time moved even slower because my pain was increasing.
The lady next to me asked me if I was ok sometime in the night, and I realized that I was crying out loud. I told her I was ok, but just very sad. She asked why, and I told her the short story of my 3rd pregnancy. She told me how sorry she was for my loss, and then she told me her story ...
A few days ago she had been 6 months pregnant, and all was well. She was feeling movements and getting prenatal care. But her baby passed away inside of her just a couple of days ago. They gave her the option of delivering the baby, but she was sure she couldn't handle the emotional part of that. So they surgically removed her baby, and she was there recovering from the surgery. I was so moved by her story and the fact that she had just given me condolences on my loss. She was very calm, and almost sounded numb. I couldn't even imagine .... It's hard enough to lose a desired baby 4 weeks after finding out I was pregnant. The emotional turmoil after carrying a baby for 6 months ....feeling him/her move, knowing the sex, and preparing the nursery ....it was unimaginable to me.
The next morning, while I waited for my husband to come get me, I heard the nurse come talk to the woman next to me while she was being discharged. The nurse explained to her that she would need to call a funeral home within 48 hours to make arrangements for her baby. And I tried to hold back my tears for her as I watched her walk out with her little leftover baby belly.
And that is when I really felt God moving my heart toward helping other women who have gone through the pain of infertility and pregnancy loss. There wasn't much I was willing to do that day, because I was in way too much pain. But I felt more than ever that morning that maybe God wanted me to do something to help others who were feeling the pain I had felt.