In my last post, I talked about finding out that we were pregnant with Pregnancy #4 and the fear that comes with pregnancy after losses. To continue ...
After the misdiagnosed ectopic (tubal) pregnancy and resulting emergency surgery that came with Pregnancy #3, Gabriel, I was very cautious about finding a good OBGYN whom I could trust. I found a doctor that came highly recommended and whom I thought might be a good option. She was a young female doctor, which is something I generally prefer, and she was also a partner of the doctor who saw me through the recovery from the last pregnancy.
I transferred to her and tried to schedule an appointment for 8 weeks. Unfortunately, her schedule was full, and they couldn't get me in until 11 weeks!!! That really made me nervous since I had already had two first trimester losses. So I also scheduled with another doctor who has a good reputation in the area.
I had an ultrasound (US) at 6 weeks before the fertility specialist would release me. However, I was happy that the new doctor was able to schedule me for another ultrasound at 8 weeks. That ultrasound came back great, and my lab results did as well. However, the office experience was terrible! I waited for SOOOOO long, and I wasn't terribly excited about the doctor being a man.
I saw that doctor again at 10 weeks and had another ultrasound, again confirming that all was well. However, my office experience was again, very bad, so I decided to keep the appointment with the female OBGYN for the following week.
Again, at 11 weeks, I had another ultrasound, and again, everything looked great! I was overjoyed that I was approaching the end of the first trimester. However, I was still afraid of what could happen.
My doctor scheduled me to start seeing the high risk specialist to manage my thyroid medication, because I have hypothyroidism. Also, since the pregnancy with Abigail had been so complicated, I would be seeing the high risk doctor about every 2-4 weeks throughout the second trimester to make sure the baby was growing appropriately and my cervix was staying closed. Each of these visits would involve an US, and for that I was very grateful.
So the first trimester had gone very smoothly, but my anxiety level was pretty high. And that made it hard to get excited about the pregnancy. I was afraid of a second trimester loss or another long bed rest stay or something else complicating the pregnancy.
And I was ashamed that I was afraid. I was ashamed of my feelings because I was supposed to be a strong, Godly woman. I am a wife to an amazing husband, a mother of one earthly princess and two babies in heaven, a business woman, a manager of my household and our recent move, and a woman called by God to minister to other women who deal with infertility and pregnancy loss ..... I was supposed to be filled with faith and courage. I was not supposed to be worried about whether God would keep my child safe in my womb. But I was. And to be honest, as I write this, 39 weeks pregnant, with an induction scheduled in two days, I still have fear about the successful birth of this child.
I just know that no matter what happens, God loves me, and he has a plan that is far beyond anything I can understand. I will be ok, and eventually, maybe God will help me overcome these fears and anxieties around pregnancy. I know for sure that he will use my struggles to help other women through their infertility, losses, and fears.