10 May 2013

Support on Mother's Day for Moms-Yet-to-Conceive and Moms Who Have Lost Children

When I was diagnosed with multiple fertility issues at the age of 27, before I even met my husband, I was devastated. For the next several years, especially while we were actively trying to conceive and after we lost our first pregnancy, I dreaded Mother's Day. 

The whole day seemed like one big reminder of how I wasn't yet a mom. When a pastor at church asked all of the Moms to stand, I was ashamed to be in my late 20s and 20s and still sitting with all of the teenagers and men. 

Then, after we lost our first, I started standing anyway because I WAS a mom. My baby was just in heaven. 

So for those dealing with with complete infertility and those who support them, here is blurb from a website called RESOLVE The National Infertility Association

"With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them."

For those trying to conceive and those supporting them, go buy yourself something special!  Trying to conceive is easy for some, and definitely not so easy for others. When you are in the middle of it, though, it is emotionally and sometimes physically exhausting. You deserve something special!

And women who have lost a child whether before or after birth or adoption, we mourn with you. We recognize that you are a mother, and you truly deserve to be honored. 

For those who support these special women, here are some tips:
Recognize their motherhood: Offer a hug and a "Happy Mother's Day". Send a card to let them know you remember they are a mother even though their child is not with them physically.

Acknowledge they have had a loss: Express the message, "I know this might be a difficult day for you. I want you to know that I am thinking about you.”

If their child was named, use their child's name in conversation.

Plant a living memorial: A tree or rose bush, like memories, will grow in beauty as the years pass.

Visit the grave site if there is one: Many mothers felt that it was "extremely thoughtful" when others visited their child's grave site and left flowers or a small pebble near the headstone.

Share a memory or pictures of the child: Give the gift of a memory. 

Send a gift of remembrance: Many mothers felt a small gift would be comforting. Suggestions included: an angel statue, jewelry, a picture frame, a library book or toy donation in the child’s name or anything personalized.

Don't try to minimize the loss: Avoid using any clichés that attempt to explain the loss of a child. ("God needed another angel.") Secondly, don't try to find anything positive about the loss ("You still have two healthy children").

Encourage Self-Care: Encourage a grieving mother to take care of herself. Give her a gift certificate to a day spa or any place where she can be pampered

1 comment:

  1. You couldn't have said it better. I have 3 healthy boys and 3 angels. Very few know of my losses for a reason. It is painful for me to talk about and others don't know what to say so they throw the clichés out there. I just save us both the embarrassment. It is a painful way to learn how to deal with others when they have a loss but at least now I know what to say and how to help them cope.